The Wedding of Panic Button (Harrisburg-Hershey H3) and Siren Cums Loudly (Reading H3)
by Master Baster, RA, Ithaca H3
Dearly Besotted, we are gathered here in the presence of Gispert and the pack to bond these two half-minds in unholy mattress moaning. This day signifies the end of the ability to go to the hash without first wondering what your cellmate – sorry, soul mate – already has planned…
But this day also signifies that you will solve checks together, wait for the other when one of you is DFL, zip up each other’s outfit for Red Dress, support each other through ballbusting hashes, and always lay shitty trail together, hand-in-muddy-hand.
Invocation: Our lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, in circle as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive our spillage as we forgive those who spill against us.
Lead us not into incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers, for thine is the lager, the IPA, and the stout.
Panic Button – Repeat after me: I, Panic Button, do take this harriette for better or worse, on red wings and in red dresses, on achy feet and bad toes, in smiles and frowns, in good lovin’ and great lovin’, to have and to hash with, on pavement and through shiggy, until death do we part.
Siren Cums Loudly – Repeat after me: I, Siren Cums Loudly, do take this harrier for better or worse, in vomit and shiggy, in homebrewing disasters and remodeling chaos, in strange smells and adventures that start at 3:00AM, through back-to-back games of Tour Duh Franzia and the Beer Mile, to have and to hash with, until death do we part.
The happy couple has decided upon a double ring ceremony – may I please have the rings (Acolyte! handcuffs!) These rings are a symbol of the union between Panic Button and Siren Cums Loudly. In their roundness, they remind them to stick together, and to do a lot of running around in circles, particularly on trail. As these rings join their bodies together, so does this ceremony join their souls together (not to mention wrists and ankles).
[Song: “When It’s Incest Time in Texas,” sung by Type A-Hole]
…By the power invested in me by the state of hysteria, Gispert, and the pack herewith convened, I now pronounced you hasher and bimbo. You may snog the bride.