ReHash #267

"Hash World (A sci fi epic)"

Sometime in the future. A lone figure,dressed in running shorts,and surrounded by unconscious bodies and beer cans waits with quiet anticipation as a cryogenic camber slowly opens. the obscure form within reawakens releasing a cloud of frozen gases that wash over the passed out figures on the floor, causing some to stir.

"look", The Figure in running shorts shouts, pointing into the dark chamber. "He lives, He lives!" As if on cue, a man in peak physical condition, with snot dripping from his nose and teflon like hair, steps forth from the chamber followed by a cat with a tooth brush.

"W-what year is it", he stammered,"how are my sheep cloning stocks doing?"

"Roadkill!" The man exclaimed, spilling his beer,"Your alive! You’re our last hope! Welcome to the year 2098."

"2098? I was suppose to stay frozen much longer than that! At least until sheep had evolved to state where they could…

"yeah, yeah," the man interrupted, "we know. But an ancient Hasher Known as Hungman bought you your cryogenic chamber. His ability to get merchandise cheap by buying damaged goods is legendary. There’s a whole line of discount stores named after him! The defective lock he got for you was easy to pick after a few kegs."

Road kill wiped his profusely running nose as he responded,"That bastard." then he continued,"Who are you people anyway?"

The lead figure stepped forward. "I’m Gas Effect, a descendant of the legendary Skull."

"Nice to meet you G.E! I suppose all these people laying on the floor are drunken hashers."

"Well you’re partly right. They are hashers, but they’re unconscious because I farted just before your chamber opened. You see Road Kill, everybody in the future is a hasher!"

Road Kill wiped his nose in stunned silence.

"Even though we clone new livers every week now, some unknown factor has tainted our entire gene pool. We’re running out of usable livers." G.E. continued,"We’ve traced the cause back to around June 13, 1998. We want you to point out any errors in the historical records of said date. It’s all on micro chip, but our records are sketchy due to a computer virus known as the Sticky-virus which eats up useful data and replaces it with Haiku."

"I’d like to go home and shower first." replied Road Kill,"I left Vibrator and her descendants in charge of my house. Do you know how I can contact them?

"It’s best we don’t discuss that. Anyway, You shouldn’t go out in the streets today. It’s the annual Broken Pole/ Kalvin Keneval road rally. Casualties are usually high."

G.E. directed road Kill to a dimly lit room with only a recliner in the center, and plush wall to wall carpeting.

G.E. directed Roadkill to the chair."Have a seat in the Bam Bam 2000. As soon as you lay down in it’ll start massaging your body."

Road kill sat down, wiping his nose as he spoke. "Feels great, but it’s a little too powerful."

"Oh, just use the hand held Nape control pad to adjust it,"G.E. explained as he pushed a button on the wall."The J.U.S.H.A.D 5000 computer will verbally explain the events of June 13, 1998 for you."

"Okay Jushad, lets hear it." Road kill said as snot dripped from his nose to his chin.

Re-hash June 13,1998: The details of the June 98 hashes are sketchy due to the abuse of cheap beer. The following is what we know to be absolutely true: The terrane of upper Robert T. was very rough that stormy Sunday, and not long after hashers gathered in the parking lot, False orgasm and Blue Butt fell victim to Hungman’s foot. They both had to sit down due to having a stone in their shoe and decided it would be easier to just stay on the ground where they were, and set up a quick photo shoot. As the rest of the hashers climbed the cliffs, one of the virgins sliced off his nipples on the jagged rocks. He ingeniously ripped his shirt up into strips, and use them as little nipple tourniquet, thus Taking on the appearance of a bizarre Vagas show girl. By the time hashers had a run in with bible wielding White Russians, they were to spent to defend themselves against the holy water that was thrown their way. Most retreated back to the cars as they took turns carrying a worn out Capt. slimy, while Roadkill ran his own hash as usual.

The on-in had a definite road rally theme. First, hashers lined up to show Kalvin how to fix his broken headlight. Women There was the first to give up after noticing a female virgin he could lie to, and the rest didn’t really give a fuck after they saw that the keg had been tapped. Thus, Kalvin was pulled over twice that night and spent the evening in a cell getting his own keg "tapped" by a guy named Butch.

While Hungman whined about how much the new air fresheners for his rebuilt porch cost, Swing-low drank for lazy hash setting, and Kim drank for insulting the white Russians. Blue Butt and False Orgasm drank for not coming in so long, while Viagra Bill and Skull drank for coming too much. Hotlegs and Paul drank for actually growing yeast! Where she grew it we don’t want to know. Kia got the doggie bowl award, and the hash shit was nowhere to be seen yet again.

Eventually, Hashers made Sticky do massive down downs for his E-mail abuse, before throwing him on the hood of Broken Poll’s truck and driving him through the woods. Art jumped on the motorcycle to join them, but couldn’t keep up with only Vibrator pushing the bike. Skull took his undying Volvo into the fry also as animals fled the woods in large numbers. Oral-B looked worried(because the keg was getting low) and Viagra, having stood faithfully by said keg, yelled,"Oh,I… shum buddy caw treble 911…Poo fill hardmann…" With this he fell to the floor amidst the vocal serenity of Swing-Low and Capt. Weenie(Hog calling time in…)

Eventually the motor cycle, Vibrator at the helm, made it’s inevitable hash crash, and Poll’s truck came to a smoking halt with Sticky’s burnt body on the over heating hood speaking painful Haiku through bug encrusted teeth. Phil, Capt. Weenie and art ran up to the truck to help, but soon saw that it was only over heating. the truck would be fine! Hashers warmed pizza on the engine and threw beer on Sticky just to see it sizzle. Boat races ensued as details of the rest of the night remain classified. (Unless you ask Sticky)