My recollections of this weekends activities are clouded over in a dreamlike haze. Was it the pre-hash liver exercise I did with Dishonourable over a game of darts? Was it the Heat of the day and the length of the hash? Was it the tequila I misguidedly brought for the ON IN that has caused my memory of this hash to be so frequently interrupted by images of the wood fairy appearing LONG before dark or did it really happen? Did I really follow the wood fairy, Vibrator, and Wet and Sticky over an open fire pit? Did Bam Bam REALLY lick salt out of my belly button or was that simply a tequila induced fantasy (a nice one!)?
I arrived at the hash this week relying on the fact the Bam Bam was telling the truth when he said that the hash would start an hour late…because I was. Toothy and Jushad were decked out in war paint, trying to psyche out the opponents and scare us into thinking we couldn’t catch them (they were right of course). False Erection, crippled from last weeks hash, played time keeper for the 15 minute head start. By the time 15 minutes was up he had to yell from his chair because we had all so casually sauntered down the road in the generally direction of the hares. Some of us sauntered slowly and casually, Prickless and Dishonourable (two people who should know better than to cheat on a live hash) were WAY ahead of us and Skull could be heard in the woods yelling "It goes right! It goes right! ON ON ON ON ON ON !!!". Finally we were released by False Erection and off we went in search of the hares.
While Dishonourable’s strategy last year was to simply not set trails, these two had a different trail setting plan. They set marks that didn’t mean anything causing us to just stand there, staring at the oddly shaped blob of flour. We fell for this ploy every time, staring at the mark in confusion, waiting for someone to take control and tell us what to do. Finally some daring, independent hasher would take off down the trail and get us moving again. After a long time running, without a hint of the hares we caught up with Skull and Tweedle Me who were busy dismantling Toothy’s bike that she had left locked to a tree. As they were doing this Wet and Sticky stole the bags of flour that were being stored by the bike. This would have been a good ploy, had we been anywhere close to the trail for the rest of the hash and some danger to the hares…but we weren’t. DD had almost caught up with Jushad but had a run in with a tree that slowed him down. Mighty Blow picked up the chase, but was unable to catch Jushad.
While this brilliant chase was taking place the rest of the hashers meandered aimlessly about the woods in search of any blob of flour. Unfortunately, hares on the run do not set good trails. We wandered about, then took off down a hill following the distant shrieks of…small children. We are so easily confused. As we walked along the stream at the bottom of the hill Wet and Sticky kept tripping and spilling his stolen bags of flour, making the people in the back think we were on trail. How wrong they were. We finally turned back up the big hill and had a very Pittsburghesque experience (at Pittsburgh we climbed up out of the very pits of hell). Bam Bam was leading us up the hill saying "we need to go west…no, we’ve gone too far – go east!" Being tired and thirsty we were lured into thinking our RA had at least a small clue where we were (despite his obviously clueless advice). To ease our weary hearts, Skull cheered us on with a rendition of the necrophiliac song and as a finale blew a condom up on his head. That is such a cool trick. We finally made it to a trail, found marks from the beginning of the hash and tried to find our way to camp. Well, most people did find their way back to camp. Vibrator and I were side tracked by some blackberries and lost the hash. We wandered around in the woods, able to hear the other hashers at the camp, but unable to find our way out. Psychedelic blackberries? We finally emerged from the woods to find Shiner at the ON IN STILL pregnant. After all this talk of what we will make her drink when she finally has the thing she has decided to hang on to it forever. Shiner was chatting away with another hasher who can’t hash, Heinous.
The ON IN began with Toothy and Jushad doing body shots of tequila off of eachother – a fitting beginning to any on in. We FORGOT about Toothy’s birthday or we would have had her do a side side at this point. At the next hash she needs to do her side side and Jushad needs to drink with her for neglecting to inform the hash of this event. Jushad never drank for taking bets AGAINST Toothy for this hash, and, since we forgot about the bets, he never had to drink for losing them all. What were we thinking? We did make Toothy drink for having a useless dog who could not lead us to her. Chris had the audacity to clean her shoes last week and had to shoot a different, disgusting, muddier boot this week. Never again will she clean her shoes. Sticky had new sandals, but didn’t drink out of them. Vibrator drank for forgetting a virgin last week, and then drank with Heinous for their vehicular difficulties. She also drank for laundering all the cloths left in her car after the last hash and for a murky moment in the woods with me. No wonder she was so eager to leap over fire pits after the ON IN. Bubbles drank for sitting around at the camp during the hash and Four Balls drank for not showing up to a hash until 5. The cripples drank together (this was a good portion of the hash), with False Erection weaving about, trying to hold his beer and his crutches and stay upright. Things got a bit chaotic at this point. People were announcing down down right and left, the body shots got out of hand- people licking eachother with reckless abandon. In the midst of the down down craziness the wood fairy dawned his cape and began wrestling innocent hashers. He was quickly distracted from this activity by the beckoning open fire. He leapt, he jumped, he swirled, he lost his cape a few times, and (of course) he droned "I am the wood fairy!".
After much wrestling, nakedness, and fire leaping, dinner was prepared then the wood fairy and Skull led the annual naked hash. This hash, naturally, ended in the murky pond. After all those down downs decision making skills were rather impaired and Mighty Blow decided that wearing his glasses when dove into the water was the best thing for him to do…and it was, if he WANTED to lose them. But he didn’t. The next morning we swam about in a failed attempt to locate the glasses, instead just stirring up a lot of silt. After the naked hash, hashers dropped at random and fell asleep, dotting the field with partially clothed, drunken bodies. We awoke the next morning, moving slowly until Microprick announced he was making coffee. That picked up the pace a bit. We drank coffee, ate the brownies I forgot to bring out the night before, and watched DD make another attempt to remove bits and pieces of branch from his knee. Fine breakfast entertainment.
Movie review: I went to see A Walk in the Clouds by the people who did Like Water for Chocolate. It was a movie all about happy endings and easy solutions in the lives of two beautiful people. The only drawback was that one of the beautiful people was Keanu Reeves who has never yet played a role in which it doesn’t sound like he is about to say "dude" after every line. "I love you so much" (dude) "but I am married." (dude) "and I don’t want to hurt either of you" (dude). Fortunately, his totally inappropriate wife leaves him and he is free to follow his heart (dude).
The Hairy rating scale:
happy ending: 10
easy solutions: 10
attractive men: 6 (dude)
beautiful cinematography: 10+
On the whole, I liked it.
The next hash will be somewhere in two weeks time, set (maybe) by Bubbles and Prickless.