The hash this week did not get off to an auspicious beginning. As Heinous, False Erection and myself drove up to the hash, we ran into Bubbles driving around in search of his co-hares – the hash hadn’t even begun and we had lost two of the most important hashers. Rrrrraaalllphh and Prickless were discovered and the three of them showed up to the beginning LONG after the last hasher had arrived. The hares were in a bit of a hurry setting the beginning of the hash (not having started until after 12) so they forgot that they should not ONLY set false trails, they should ALSO put marks where the trail actually goes. They were so eager to get going that they forgot this minor detail. Prickless finally suggested that we run in a certain direction and sure enough, we finally ran into a hash mark. As Prickless ran off with the hash, Bubbles and RRrrraaallpphhh announced that they would take slower people ahead to cut off some running. Oh, if only we had known what the hares had in store for us we all would have taken that option. The hares wanted Heinous and I to remember our last hash, they wanted us to cover the full smorgasbord of experiences that make up a hash. We ran in woods, we ran on roads, we ran through feilds of corn, we ran uphill, we ran downhill, we ran through brambles and we ran on private property. All told, we ran for 3 hours.
After we were set on the right trail, we ran around in some woods for a while. And when I say we ran around in some woods, what I mean is that we ran. In their haste the hares decided that check points are for weeneys and weeneys we are not. So rather than checking, we ran. This trail eventually brought us out onto a road with nary a hash mark to be seen. We ran hither thither up and down the road in search of any blob of flour to no avail. Finally, Prickless emerged from the woods and led us in the right direction. Now, in this case, the hares HAD set marks down a little side dirt road, they had just been scraped away by a guy on a big grater. Thinking he was just some eager construction guy working on a sunday afternoon(??????) we ran off down the road. What we did not know is that the man in the big grater was purposefully eradicating all traces of our trail. I think he felt quite manly and powerful to erase little blobs of flour with such a very LARGE machine when a foot works pretty well. It is the ultimate big penis machine.
The reason for his sabotage came from the fact that Bubbles and Rrrrallphh alerted him to our presence. When they shortcutted down the road they ran into this guy who apparently owns the road. They were told in no uncertain terms to get off his property AND that he was calling the police just in case. They warned him that some unsuspecting people were going to be coming along shortly, so he set out to make it difficult for us by eliminating our trail. He was not counting on the inate brilliance of hashers – we are not dependant on the trail! We hash on private property even without a trail. So there we were running down his private road when the angry man leaps out of his large, manly machine and tells us to get off his road and that the police are on their way (to arrest 25 of us?). At about this time Troy and Wet and Sticky were somewhere off in the woods flanking the road also owned by the angry man yelling at the top of their lungs "RU!!!!". Realizing that this would be a bad time for them to appear out of the woods I yelled "Stay there!". I thought this was pretty self explanatory, but Troy yelled back "Where?". He is not too bright, bless his little heart. Using our most ingratiating manner, we were able to convince the angry man to tell us an alternate route to where we were trying to go.
The story of the angry man is not yet over. While we were trespassing our little hearts out, 4 balls was off in search of his dogs but he was armed with directions from Prickless on where to meet up with the hash when he found them. These directions included the forbidden road. So after we had narrowly missed our brush with the law, 4 Balls ran peacefully down the road but by now the police had arrived. 4 Balls decided that this was not the right time to explain that he had not set the trail, that someone else was to blame, etc… He simply lied, "yes officer I will never again trespass", and went his merry way (down a different road).
I have noticed a trend. Prickless set the hash with Toothy where we were almost sued for trespassing, and on a recent trip I was kicked off two peices of private property while with her – and now this. I am not saying that the hash should trespass less, just that they shouldn’t do it with Prickless. Prickless should be sent down a safe route while the rest of us trespass. This may avoid future conflicts.
After our brush with the law we met up with the short cutters, compared angry man stories, and decided that this would be a good time to RUN AWAY!!! We put a little distance between ourselves and the police, angry land owners, and large machines. After a bit of time running past a VERY fragrant farm and through a few private corn fields we came to one of the most beautiful moments in the hash. Our devious hares must have been playing on the web because they came across a hash mark called a back check that I had also noticed on somebody’s web page. A back check is a BC and a number. The number indicated how many hash marks to go back, then that mark becomes a check point. The hares set a back ckeck 12 hash marks WAY up a great big hill. Michael, Dana, Troy, Secret Boy, Road Kill and Brad all were silly enough to run up the big hill while the rest of us stood at the bottom and watched.
After this we ran and we ran and we ran and we ran and then most of us quite running. We walked and we walked and we walked and we walked. I was accused of whining during this portion of the hash but it is just not true. I simply told Prickless that I considered our friendship over. So over I was willing to LEAVE TOWN to avoid her! I knew we were finally nearing the end when I saw Heinous (who was too crippled to DO the hash but seemed to have no problem riding his bike around in search of us, gloating at how long we had been running). Soon after Heinous I saw Bam Bam (again, missed the hash itself but was walking around from the ON IN site lauging at the exhausted hashers). Then not long after that I saw the tantalizing sight of Heinous’ car (which had brought the beer from the beginnig to the ON IN) in the distance. At the car were False Erection and Shiner (much smaller now) waiting for us with food and beer. Hashers slowly straggled in and collapsed around the beer.
The on in was puncuated by Bam Bam making Heinous and I drink for our last hash. When we werent drinking, Wet and Sticky drank for peeing on a hash mark (a relatively manly way of erasing hash marks, but not as manly as a big machine), Mighty Blow drank for excessive athleticism (as usual), and Dana and Black Hole drank for a hash crash. Secret Boy led Troy astray (did they have a mirky moment?) and Shiner showed us that even after 9 months of sobriety she can still down down faster than most of us. Bam Bam, False Erection, Shiner, and Heinous were all Bobbits. Chris drank for asking Bam Bam not to make her drink for her hair. NEVER draw attention to a down down opportunity!!!! Bam Bam will remember. Janette and Road Kill licked going candy stuff off eachother (oh baby!) and in a fit of bitterness I gave the little man to Heinous because I didn’t think it was fair that I was being abused when it was his last hash too. I wanted to even things out. As a special going away present, I gave Tim the new party house start up kit. Every single time I have a bbq people bring more mustart. Every time, I tell them that I have mustart already but it never stops more mustard from coming to each party. When I cleaned out my fridge I had 8 mustards. Since Tim has said that he wants to have partys at his house, I gave him my start up supply. We named a virgin (who’w real name I never heard) Secret Boy because early in the hash he kept taunting that he knew a secret. At the same time we named Dana Hang Man because he doesn’t wear underwear under his tights (not that I’ve noticed…) I don’t rememer who Poke her Hienous gave the horseless ass to, but I do know that Black Hole gave the Hashit to Prickless for her role in setting the hash. After the on in we all went to Road Kills and admired his Woody Allenish youthful pictures and watched Danas new puppy pee all over Road Kills floor (how cute!). Movie review: The Usual Suspects- This movie stars five tough bad guys who also happen to be very moral (about crime that is). These actors have a good time being bad guys – they glower, they grunt, they give cold, steeley stares. They are BAD. But not as bad as the really bad guy they are all afraid of. Via a series a flashbacks we see the the unfolding of a horrible crime but HOW was it orchastrated and WHAT about the story can we believe? These are the questions still burning in my mind because the ending left a few open questions (not that I can’t follow a plot mind you). This is definately one to watch once, then rent later to pick up all the things you missed.
In summary – I liked it a lot.
male angst – 8
crime morality – 10
good aim (on the part of the good bad guys) – 10
good aim (on the part of the bad bad guys) – 0
attractive men – 5 (one of the good bad guys is quite sexy!)
I have handed on the MIGHTY PEN to Crystal, so hashers can begin making blackmail payments to her now. I will miss that suppliment to my income!
ON ON and farewell!