IH3 Trail #512

What a beautiful sunny day for a drive. That’s what i keep telling myself, anyway. What a beautiful sunny day for a drive. Cool breeze, bright partly sunny sky. Just a feel-good early summer day.

That sign did say Old 76, didn’t it? ‘Cause i could swear that the map shows this road to be West Creek Road. And the directions say to start counting miles from West Creek Road. So maybe i shouldn’t start counting yet.

Such a picturesque drive through the countryside of Central New York. Hmm… that dirt road looks like a road, but it could be a driveway. Hard to tell since it’s so narrow. Well… it doesn’t have a road sign, so it’s probably someone’s farm access. Oh… there’s Howard Hill Road. I’m looking for Alison Hill Road, which i think is one road after this one. And i do see rising dust in the distance. I wonder if that could be hashers. It’s probably someone gunning their four-wheel drive up some dirt road somewhere.

No wait… that’s way too much dust in the air for a car on a dirt road. Even the hashers don’t make that much mess. Ooooh… motorcycle dirt rally. Riiiiight… Central New York country past times. How quaint. Now where the hell’s that road. Okay… passing the fat guy in the overalls and red billed cap. He looks grumpy. He’s not a televised stereotype. He’s not a televised stereotype. But he probably drives a red chevy pick-up truck and drinks hash quality beer in a lawn chair in his driveway.

Hey look…. i’m in Candor! Wait, isn’t that way too close to Owego for the hash. And where the hell is this Alison Hill Road. I thought it was supposed to be one after Howard Hill. That next road off to the left isn’t even close. Time to pull over and find a map.

Oh….
Oh dear….

Well… at least it’s a beautiful sunny day for a drive. Alison Hill Road should have been one road before Howard Hill, so i guess i just drive back until i hit Howard Hill and then find the next road. According to the map, there’s this Jeek-something road just after the turn, so i’ll know when i’ve gone too far back.

Okay… so there’s Howard Hill, there’s that farm with the narrow dirt driveway right after it, and there’s Jeek-something on the left. Wait. Okay… there’s that dirt drive. Hmm… there is actually a pole for a road sign on that dirt driveway. It could be Alison Hill. Oh… look. Someone put this small little “HHH” on the ground in flour near the road. How sweet. What a beautiful sunny day for a drive. Yeah… that’s it. What a beautiful sunny day for a drive.

So i show up in this parking lot and get out of my car. What a beautiful sunny day for a hash. If only there were more people here for the hash. I can see Dances and PP, the hares. Oh… and CC, Freeze Frame, Hot Lips, and Jiffy Lube are there. And there’s this Just i never met, but he says his name is Just Joe.

But wait… isn’t this a goodbye hash for Bürp? Shouldn’t Bürp be here? Ah, right, it’s a beautiful sunny day for a drive.

So Just Scott shows up. We decided to wait a little since it’s such a beautiful sunny day for a drive, and the hashers seem to be taking advantage of that, which we know when we get this call on Dances’ cell phone from Pippi, who says he’s in Candor. Yeah… i remember that feeling. Such a beautiful sunny day for a drive.

J’SUAD jogs in from somewhere, saying it’s such a beautiful sunny day for a drive to Ford Hill Road, which he claims was much easier to find that Alison Hill. Everyone else feigns ignorance. But we all agree it’s such a beautiful sunny day for a drive as Pippi, Cocksmith, and Floss finally pull in.

Right behind them, the hasher’s of goodbye, Bürp and HMDM, finally show up after their beautiful sunny drive. Now that the goodbye hash is official, chalk talk is had. Now, at some point in the chalk talk, Dances happens to mention to us that there would be this back check with an undisclosed number after it. This is an important detail to remember on this beautiful sunny day.

At this point, the hounds are off, and the Tubamobile arrives from a beautiful sunny drive with Just Tom and Just Leann. Porcelain Goddess stumbles in as well and quickly catches up to the hash, donning the beautiful, though not quite sunny, Hash Shit.

There’s some running through the woods. There is a lot of complaining about the thorny vines on trail. There’s initial paranoia over the back check. There’s J’SUAD, who has already run some of the trail on his way to the hash from Ford Hill Road and simply blows past all checks and marks to lead the pack toward true trail. There’s some controversy on the second check, however, when people argued over which direction is true trail and which is the aforementioned back check.

After some deliberation, the hash moves on, through the river and through the woods and up the road to the first hash rest, which offeres a wide range of beer-like substances.

The trail then proceeds through the woods, up the hills, around the corners, and to the right-hand turn. Well, it looks like a right-hand turn. That’s how it’s marked, anyway. But, as some of the front running bastards point out, there are these hash marks to the left, as though there was a trail running in that direction. Hmmm….

HMMMMMM……

Well, three of the Justs run to the right anyway, while the rest of the hash contemplates the possibility of a back check. What a beautiful sunny day for a back check, as our explorers Just Scott, Just Tom, and Just Joe discover. The rest of the hash continues on, blowing right past the next hash rest and the beer-like substances hidden in the tall weeds there. By the time the liquids are found, and the hounds called back for some refreshment, the three Justs come sweating in, and a good time was had by all. What a beautiful sunny day for a beer-like substance at a hash rest.

The hash continued on for a friendly jog through the woods until we hit the “ON IN” that was chalked on the ground. As all hashers know, this signals the end of the trail and the start of the debauchery. Well, all except Country Cock, who decides that the large X right before the cars signaled a false On In and starts telling people that we need to turn around to find true trail. Needless to say, a few of the Justs are fooled by this ploy, but the rest of us more experienced hounds just ignore his rants and go back to the car for a beer-like substance.

Well… all of the us except the hares, who happen to be the only ones with keys to the car containing beer-like substances.

Well… a riot almost ensues, as we consider all sorts of evil hash-like things to do to the hares when they returned, but Dances comes jogging back in and placates us with some mostly cold beer-like substances and flavoured chips. Circle then starts with mostly placated hounds and fumbled hash songs.

Accusations are had. Beer-like substances are consumed. Just Leann gets the bobbit and proceeds caress it with the inner part of her thighs. Butt Floss shows off his “elephant”, which has a wimpy limpy trunk, until someone suggests that it gets fed some of the shelled peanuts that happen to be in Dances’ car. Then it got a lumpy limpy trunk. Conspiratorial proceedings are held to determine evil hash names in an attempt to reduce the number of Justs on the hash.

Then, to complicate matters, Just Karen and Just Amanda show up, increasing the Just troubles.

Then, all of a sudden, in a cloud of spinning tires and throwing dust, Master Baster comes careening into the parking lot, a little bleary, but quite ready for some beer-like substance.

After much deliberation, beer-like substance is drunk by all.

Oh yeah… and the following decisions are made.

Because of his e-mails to the hash list complaining of lack of seafood at the downtown Hilton and his demanding a mouth full of clams, Just Tom shall be renamed Mouth Full of Clam.

Because of her willingness to take off her shirt on trail, and because she’s a vegetarian, Just Leann shall be renamed Tits Out For Us (TOFU for short; yeah… we’re witty).

Because of the way she is constantly doing splits on trail and getting her crotch all dirty, Just Karen shall be renamed Summer’s Eve.

Because of her love for kittens, the absolute horror she expressed in finding out that God kills a kitten every time you masturbate, and the way she sat on the kitty-litter container of beer at her first hash, Just Amanda shall be renamed Kitty Litter.

Then there is more drinking, some photography, some lying around in the sun, and some sobering up.

Have i mentioned what a beautiful sunny day it is for a hash.

On-on,
Spike