ReHash #200

Lunacy on Lois Lane

Before the near destruction of Broken Pole’s home, IH3 found itself once again bounding through public and private property making as great a racket as humanly (this term is used loosely) possible. Our first run in, was with a couple of snooty Commonlands residents who refused to allow our galloping gang to make passage on the Commonland grounds. After satiating the residents with some b.s., the recalcitrant runners simply made haste out of eyesight and returned to the blazed trail. "Take that you bastards", was a phrase running through many hashers heads as they skirted along the Commonlands trails. As the trail led IH3 through thorns and brambles, the hashers pressed ON ON, eventually encountering the Six Mile Creek Winery. IH3 was met inside by a portly vintner who had before him, numerous glasses filled with the product of his fermented fruits, that is . .. . booze! Our host, although a friendly sod, couldn’t yell "ON ON" to save his vines . . . so we made him wear the Hashit. Ha, ha.

ON ON was heard and the harriers spilled out of the winery all freshly rested and eager to complete the journey that would lead them to the ultimate prize: the friendly keg of beer. The remainder of the run did not see any major laws broken, however, Schultzie was observed having quite a lengthy conversation with a few sheep. For this bestial murky moment, was awarded with a down-down. Hump Back seemed to take pleasure as he watched his compatriots run along a trail that he blazed through a field laden with the products of the over-active intestines of numerous cows.

The Hash ended up at our starting place, and few people, as they entered the home of Broken Pole, could be aware that the majority of the walls of this home would be in need of serious repair at night’s end. It was Blue Butt who made the first hash offense by jumping on the rowing ergometer and tearing off a one minute erg piece. Her over-athleticism was soon mimicked by Pole, False Erection, and False Orgasm (Falsette-O ) for which they were all "penalized" during the "Down Downs". The "Down Downs" proceeded in the usual bacchanalian style with special attention going to Pole’s neighbors and ProJen’s small dogs. As Old Man Winter decided to give the thermometer a break and let it stick its red neck above 40 that day, it was decided to head outdoors to christen fellow hashers with their new names. As the thermometer made a sudden and unwelcome southward retreat, Rosy Cheeks, Flirts for Beer, Broken Pole, Naughty Nape, Compass, and Easy Access all stood outside wearing not enough clothing as the remaining hashers made a forward advance towards their shivering compatriots with ice cold beer destined for the bodies of those of whom were therein named.

It was then that Wet and Sticky asked permission to open one of the numerous bottles of wine in the refrigerator and then there was no turning back. Keith Richards promptly jumped quite loudly out of the stereo speakers and the next thing IH3 observed was the shirts of all males dancing being removed by those women who dared enter the mosh pit. All those involved in the dirty dancing seemed to enjoy the groping that was going on. Cherry Patch seemed to truly relish in the recklessness of the mosh pit as she was observed raking her nails down at least one of the male hasher’s bare chest. Without warning, Butt Plug, leapt from his throne that was the erg to introduce to IH3 the little known Hessian hip typhoon gyro dance. His movements were so exaggerated that many of the female onlookers popped their bra straps as they gasped for air. The gyrations made by False Errection are beyond description and are most probably illegal.

Over the extreme volume of the music and the jello bowl of humanity one could hear and see Vibrator jumping and swinging through the crowd with the bottle of Rumpleminz held on high as she randomly selected male/female combinations for navel shots. Let it be known that few people left the ON/IN without a sticky navel. I believe it was Matt Bradford who complained that False Orgasm’s navel was too shallow. What a whiner!

Hunger set in, and The Nines was contracted to fill the hasher’s bellies with pizza. The pizza was enjoyed by all, but Schultzie should be aware that his pizza makes wonderful wallpaper. Broken Pole was pleased by Wet and Stickey’s consideration as he first asked permission (repeatedly) before hurling a slice against the wall. Pizza did not satiate the ravenous harriers so Aunt Jemimah came to the rescue. Noticing the similarity between the appearance of rum and maple syrup, Hung Man decided to dress the flapjacks in Captain Morgan’s favorite elixir. The remainder of the full bottle of rum took up a new home in the belly of Hump Back. It was shortly thereafter that Pole was sitting on the couch admiring the fact that the his entire home was now duplicated in his eyes when he saw Flirts for Beer (FFB) racing toward him at the speed of the bionic woman as she held in her hands some of Hung Man’s pancakes. The cakes did not remain in FFB’s hands for very long as they were promptly applied to the face of Pole where they remained for far too long.

Suddenly, over the roar of the inhuman sounds generated by the Mosh Pit, Vibrator was heard to say "Hey Andy, we need another male for streaking." As he actively objected to the being involved such a whacko event, Pole soon found himself standing before at least four fully naked people, and then his pants too were at his ankles. FFB, Wet and Sticky, Vibrator, Pole, and Psychic Pisspot, exercised their vocal chords as they leapt around the yard like nude wood nymphs. As they returned to their clothing, they noticed that their threads had a visitor in the form of Rosy Cheeks who was actively collecting the aforementioned clothing. As he returned to Pole’s home wearing little more than chest hair, Pisspot was heard to shriek "Where are my shorts!!!!"

The hashers then exited the home of their host and Pole was left alone to contend with the building inspectors from the Township of Ithaca who tried to condemn his home.

-Broken Pole

As HashScribe, Broken Pole would welcome any anecdotes which could be entered into the bimonthly ReHashes.