The hash this week began in a fairly normal fashion. The hares (Dishonourable Discharge and Wet and Sticky) showed up late, people milled about aimlessly, and the last hasher to appear (IceBlue Balls) sauntered up half an hour late. We were without the wisdom of our RA when the hash began so in a brilliant military coup I took control of the introduction. Mine was a communist RAship because I required much help from "the people" to coach me through the introductory words. With the help of my comrades we managed to instruct the virgins in the fine art of hashing then gave them a preview of what was to come when we made Drain do a down down. He was visiting from far, far away and kept threatening to leave before the on inso he did his down down in advance.
We ran about behind East Hill Plaza through feilds and streams in fairly normal hashlike fashion until we reached fall creek. We were running peacefully along when all of a sudden we heard bellowed from behind us "hash rest!". There was no hash rest, but what the heck- we all stopped anyway. Who are we to argue. Heinous took this opportunity to further besmirch the Hashit – you have to admire his determination to make up for all that cleaning the shirt got last time it was in his possession. He has truly outdone himself between the dead fish at Dana’s and the copious shiggy at this hash. We all laid down and immersed as much of ouselves as best we could in the 2 inches of water available to us until the hares told us that it was time to continue.
We ran, waded, jumped, fell, and generally followed the trail into the dreaded trailer park. Once you enter never may you leave… The hares decided to get tricky and set an infinite number of interconnecting ys. Some of us knew better and ran off in the general direction of the end of the hash. Our attitude was, as long as you see the occassional X, you know a hare had been there at some time. Who needs a trail as long as you know the hares have been there? Trojan, Skull, Tweedle Me, Prickless, Bubbles, Drain, Tarzan, Joe, Caroline, IceBlue Balls, Christof, Chris, and several others I forget all found ourselved miraculously at a check point after hopping from X to X. We were on the trail! Now, generally speaking, when a pack gets split up in this fashion it is to a persons advantage to be in the group with the hares. Not so in this case. Those hares had a hard time following their own trail. We waited for a (short) time for the others to show up but we figured they knew where they were going and we could run on a head. So we did. I walked along with Prickless who had eaten enough ibuprofen to numb an elephant and was still in limping.
After Prickless decided that maybe the pain was telling her something and hobbled back to her car, I ran ahead and found the other short cutters at a hash rest where Shiner had water and beer. We drank, we talked, we watched Darby almost get electrocuted, we sat down, and finally we got bored. Still no hares. We did hear the occassional distant cry of "ON ON", but nary a hasher did we see. While at this rest Trojan kept trying to take control and convince us that he knew where the hares were going. Generally he is right, but not this time. First he wanted us to go to my house on Turkey hill (where Prickless lives), then to DD’s house near Genung (IceBlue Balls) then to someones house on Snyder Hill (DD, IceBlue Balls, and myself ALL live on Snyder Hill). Despite his confusion, he did get to my house (the true end, at Snyder Hill) before any of us.
Rather than wait at the hash rest we all took off in whatever direction each of us thought we ought to be going. IceBlue Balls and I decided at a check point to turn up a road that led in a general Snyder Hill ish direction, following Joe, Skull and Tweedle Me. We separated from Skull and Tweedle Me who lacked our superior knowledge of the location of the on in only to intersect with them in a feild we had all cut through various yards to get into. Miracle of all miracles, as we were wandering along Tweedle Me spotted a blob of flour!! We were back on trail. Now this was a successful shortcut! Not only did we cut off the hash, but we kept finding the trail. In the midst of our self congratulations the rest of the shortcutters appeared behind us, but still no sign of the hares. Skull and IceBlue Balls took turns blazing a trail through the prickle bush patch from hell and after much agony and blood loss, we emerged in somebodys backyard right on Snyder Hill. With great stealth we ran out of the bushes and to the road where, once again, we spied hash marks. Glory be! These marks led us down the road and to the on in where cold beer was waiting.
It just goes to show that you can’t trust the hares – they showed up about half an hour after us. Between us and them were four other shortcutting arrivals. Prickless hobbled in shortly after us, followed by Heinous who just gave up on the hash and ran back to his car and drove to the on in. Captain Weeney cut the whole hash off and (according to my room mate) had been wandering in and out of my house before we showed up, and Bam Bam sauntered up to the on in after a gruelling weekend in the city. As we were waiting for the others to appear Trojan told us about a new syndrome called "runners legs". The symptoms include tingling, twitching, and throbbingTennis elbow – no thank you. Swimmers ear – I think not. But runners leg sounds OK by me. It is time for me to get a bit more serious about this running thing. If only I knew about this syndrome before!!
After much ado Dishonourable stole the throne from Bam Bam, who opted to watch rather than RA the on in proceedings. DD took a few down down accusations from the crowd but was generally happier making up his own accusations for which to make us drink. Unfortunately DD’s writing consists mainly of big loops, little lines, and code names for people so my list of down downs will not be entirely complete. The numerous short cutters were divided into tiers of offensiveness with tier one being myself and the other people who survived the trailer park and tier two being those who never did the hash. DD made Wet and Sticky drink for being late to set the hash and continued to whine about this throughout the on in (as he had throughout the entire hash). Heinous, DD and Bubbles (who was drinking for Drain) drank for BREAKING MY BED while I was showing them the web page. They were on it, I wasn’t. Bubbles drank for being in a pissy mood while drinking for Drain and DD drank with him for putting Bubbles in such a mood. DD, Bam Bam, and Prickless drank for their international electronic debut and I drank for putting them there. Spike was conspicuously absent from this hash, or he would have drank for his creative genious in working on those pictures. Tim drank for carrying a lethal water weapon throughout the hash. Shiner drank for crocheting at the on in and the gratuitous down down of the day went to the twins for excessive twinness. Cocktail was spotted at a donut shop and drank for the horrific sin of eating breakfast.
From what I can see, the twins and Heinous drank for dirty socks and I drank for something spelled like this: foolehHostess. I think it has to do with having the on in at my place but I dont remember. Vibrator tried to give me one of DD’s down down coupons but I talked her out of it. I managed to get two out of DD which I ripped up and now he is down to 6 – and I have only had to drink for one. Weeney and Bam Bam were the Bobbits, but I for some reason have the phalic challice. DD drank for a cool tan line divet – whatever that may be. Prickless drank for her sore foot and I dont know if Kris actually drank with her, but she should have for her aching arch. Christoff gave the little man to someone I dont remember and I gave the new horses head award first to DD, but when threatened with a down down coupon I decided that Heinous was the more deserving recipient. Wet and Sticky gave the horses ass (which he broke) to Jen and last but not least Heinous gave the foul, stinking, disgusting hashit to Christof. For Christofts attempts to plug the hole in the hashit mug he was named Butt Plug. Our other naming was for Jen who ran with feathers in her hair all hash and who is now Pocahontas.
The post on in celebration was another lucrative affair for me. Once again, thanks for all the buns, bread, french bread, sour dough bread, baguettes etcI am sure I will find something to do with the chicken I found in my freezer (put it in some bread maybe?) and I am always happy to have a little more cheese and ice cream. I have been wanting a new pair of Teva’s but the ones left behind are a bit big for me as are the Birks. The smelly socks I won’t ever use so someone could please reclaim those. So far I have heard no complaints from the neighbors for the disgusting songs, shouts from water fights, or squeals of pleasure from Wet and Sticky when Michelle, IceBlue Balls, and Kris tried to put ice down his shorts.
The receding hair line is Bubbles and Rrrraaallphh in two weeks time at some unspecified location.