I have been accused (repeatedly) during this last week of excessive discretion in my last rehash. I have two responses: 1- I write THE TRUTH. These humble pages are the history of our hash, if I didnt write it, it just didn’t happen. 2- If people WANT absolute indiscretion I would be willing to reveal all I know…do people really want that? For these two reasons I stand by my last rehash. That is the way it happened. My motto is "Deny, deny, deny".
Now that we have cleared up that neither I nor Wet and Sticky, Homoses, Bam Bam, False Erection, Rrrrraaaalppphh, Vibrator, or Skull did anything even remotely immodest last week, let me tell you the story of this weeks hash.
We had an enormous turnout behind Hangar theatre this week. The combination of great weather, a good location, and the promise of a post-hash bash at a house on the lake was an effective lure. Among those present was Over Easy who we havent seen in several weeks due to a series of jaunts out to California to see the new man we keep hearing about (why dont we dub him Well Done). Also present this week was Spike – who decided to brave the wrath of vengeful hashers after his clueless hash a few weeks ago. After Bam Bam’s introduction to hashing the hash took off into a feild of tall grass where we meandered about. The trail was less than obvious in the tall grass. When we finally emerged from the tall grass we were caught by a patrolling golf cart guy who thought we were nefariously trying to sneak into the park to avoid paying the parking fee. We were let off with only a warningthis time. We were also told to keep those damn dogs on a leash. Yeah right. I tried to keep Chelsea close by yelling her name repeatedly. Try this for yourself. You will notice that is sounds a lot like yelling Schultzi. Schultzi! Come here Schultzi! I kept yelling. We were going to keep the affair a secret, but I just have to have him near me! I have got to get that man a leash!
By this time we had been running NEAR water, BESIDE water and ALONG water, but we had yet to get INTo the water. We finally came upon a check point beside the lake that MUST put us in the water – or so I hope when I plunged in. I swam across the little channel and got completely covered in tar trying to climb out the other side. Here I was greeted with a "C" which we had been told meant there was a cherry related thing nearby. Hashers and dogs braved the tarry climb to come help look for cherry eatables. Dexter was the only dog bright enough (or loyal enough) to follow her owner to where it was easy to climb out. This is where the slow decline of the Hashit began. We all cleaned the tar from our climb out of the water onto the Hashit. This worked well, but whatever those cherries were soaking in seemed like it would be a potent cleaning agent as well. It certainly felt like it was scouring my inards as it went down. Skull was looking gleeful as he passed the jar around and watched people faces as they ate them.
I lost the hash at this point when I went in search of the dog I was doggy sitting. My chase after Chelsea put me in this other dimension where unusual and unprecedented things can happen. While I was in this other dimension I saw Road Kill swim across a little inlet. It was a very little inlet – little enough to easily run around. But there he was, swimming along. As I ran away from the inlet I passed back into my normal dimension where the hashers were meandering about for the trail and Road Kill stayed high and dry for the rest of the hash. Damn those space/time anomolies!
When we finally found the trail (and soon after found Captain Weeney and Hotter Legs) we made our way along to a little park where we all found our favorite toy and began to play. And we kept playing until the hares got fed up and told us to start running again. We finally got tired of Vibrator and Dana annoying us about finding hash marks we stopped our swinging, sliding, and climbing to run off through the poison ivy to the trail. We were on a perfectly good running trail when the hares expected us to go up through the woods. Now, obviously they were going to have to go back down because we knew we were heading to some house on the lakeand the lake was down. So why run up? That is what Wet and Sticky, Rrrraalllpphh, Road Kill, John Mevissen, Maura, and I all thought. So we wandered along the trail waiting for the pack to reappear. They never did. When it finally dawned on us that , they weren’t coming back down to that trail, and that we had no idea where Dana lived, we did the obvious and went to the road along the lake. We chose the first random trail down and emerged to find ourselves standing beside Toothys car. Parked right across from a mailbox with Dana’s name on it. Even without those obvious clues, we could see the keg from the road and a dock in the lake and we were going down. So down we went to what we hoped was Danas house, grabbed a beer, and went for a little swim. When the hash approached from a trail beside Dana’s house they found us playing in the water, beer in hand, and finished running 20 minutes before. Life was good.
As the hashers gathered about drinking beer, reporting lies and false accusation a few hashers became preoccupied with "helping" the hashit which False Erection had taken off. Trojan cleaned the duck shit covered dock with it then handed it over to Heinous who rubbed it all over a dead fish (he was trying to make up for his poor treatment of it when it was in his care).
The On In finally got under way, but most of the hashers were more interested in pushing eachother in the lake than listening to the awards. Periodically, a hasher or two would do a down down then get pushed in and we would all go back to pushing everyone else in. Had anyone been listening, this is what they would have heard. Several people drank for having tatoos (none of which were visible with shorts and sports bras which makes me wonder how Bam Bam knew who to accuse). Road Kill did a down down of pasta salad since we are all so tired of watching water run off his hair for hiding under the picnic table in the rain. There were several virgins as well as a variety of returning and visiting hashers who were honoured. I had to drink for my discretion in the last rehash (see above). I am (as I have claimed in the past) a person of moderation and immense common sense who would never consider doing those things Bam Bam spoke of while accusing me. Earl got the Lorena Bobbit cutting it all off award this week by canoing around the lake rather than running. Wet and Sticky gave the dick clip to Maura (where it became a tit clip), and Maura gave the Horses Ass to somebody. The hashit went to from False Erection to Road Kill for no reason I could see other than that he was the hasher who would be most repulsed by the state of the hashit – which was quite disgusting. The last I saw of it, it was hanging from Dana’s balcony and not on Road Kills body. As usual, half way through the awards we ran out of our 1/4 keg plus four cases of beer so Toothy once again had to run to the store and buy more. I wonder if she ran over any trees this time like she did at the On In at Heinous’ house? The On In somehow turned into a big chicken fight in the lake which Bam Bam and I were the clear and uncontested winners of. Several days later Bam Bam and Captain Weeney were still complaining about sore necks. Bummer to be on the bottom!
I hope to see everybody at the off week grassroots hash this weekend!
Hairy Vetch 7/16/95