In order to honour our resurrected ex-RA who visited us this week from Germany, our hares Black Hole and False Erection set a German theme hash. When Black Hole poured us little shots of hideous yellow shit that tasted like Drano (or tasted like Drano smells, not having ever drank Drano) before the hash I did a little prayer of thanks to my German ancestors for getting out of that country LONG before I came into the world. Okay, the German beer during the hash was good, but toaster strudel?!?!? We had been warned that this was going to be a wet hash – and there certainly is enough water around Helen Newman to swim through – so we were all a bit shocked when the trail kept going AWAY from water. We would get so close we could hear it, but still not go in it. Finally, after about an hour of running we bush wacked through some tall, thorny bushes to Fall Creek. We were going so slow through the thorn bushes that the roots didnt bother most of us, but Homoses hasnt been hashing in a while and he was having problems picking up his feet. He had a glorious hash crash that tossed him strait into a bush and left him limping. Amid cries of "the hares are bastards" we sloshed up the creek to a sour kraut rest. So horrified by the smell, Trojan and Road Kill sat up on the bank well away from this German culinary nightmare.
On our way out of the creek a cheery looking fellow asked Bam Bam what the purpose of this group was – Bam Bam responded "beer". The nice man looked a bit surprised. The woman behind him said that she wasn’t following him to the creek until all the people were gone because she didn’t want a dog to shake on her. Twenty obnoxious, smelly people and she was concerned about the dogs? Christoff and I followed a neverending series of interconnecting Y’s until we finally gave up and joined the rest of the hash running across the suspension bridge. My thought was – how could the trail NOT go across a bridge that the hash could have this much fun with? This was faulty logic because the hares had avoided miles of perfectly good water that we could have enjoyed, but the bridge did lead us to the trail. After meandering around the plantations the trail seemed to go up a big hill to the right. When False Erection saw the hash running in that direction he started screaming that the trail went up to the left. He and Black Hole had sent us on a good loop earlier in the hash, so we had no reason at all to trust him, but we were tired so trust him we did. My thought was hey, he has done this thing twice today so he must be as eager for the end as I am, so he MUST be giving us the right directions. I am so gullible. The big hill to the left was simply a long way to get to the top of the big hill on right. From the distance we could see some SCB’s waiting with Black hole at the top of the hill on the right, but Homoses was not convinced and he went running off away from all the other hashers so he could hear the bagpipe music better.
When we all met up Black Hole led us in song. His previous song was a rousing chorus of "I put my hands on myself" which involved a lot of German words that none of us understood but we all made noises that phonetically resembled what he was singing. The only part we all did well was when we got to grab our genitals. This time we did "Father Abraham", much to the amusement of all the people who thought they were going for a quiet walk in the plantations. Now, father Abraham is not a tricky song. True, we hashers added a few things of our own to the version most people learn in camp but still, it is not physically challenging. IceBlue Balls just didn’t get it. Never, in all the versus, did she manage to get both her arms AND her legs doing the right thing at the right time.
By this time we had been running for about 2 hours and it was definitely time for the beer. Imagine our surprise when the trail veered sharply AWAY from the beer. Way away from the beer. This trail was 180 degrees from where all of us wanted to go. We gave in and followed the marks for a little ways, but the next time the trail turned the wrong direction Skull, Gi, IceBlue Balls, Dave, Bam Bam, myself and a few others ran off towards the beer. Does it still count as being on the trail if we ran past all those false trail marks? We had all stopped in front of biotech, unsure of exactly where to go when Bam Bam (stand in hash beer this week) ran up to us and said he was storing the beer in biotech!!! We were at the end!! This was an unexpected but not unpleasant surprise. Unfortunately, although we had reached the beer, all our belongings and various hash awards were in the carsat the begining. I got a narrated tour of the physics building that Gi and I shortcutted through while running back to the cars. A little group of hashers-who-sensed-beer-and-were -intelligent-enough-to-stop gathered and drank at biotech while we waited for those-idiots-who-followed-the-hares. This took almost half an hour and they did NOT seem pleased to see us relaxed and on our second beer when they found us. As we were waiting we had a (repeated) murky moment between Bix and Darwin (the dogs of Wet and Sticky and Jennifer). Darwin kept trying to mount Bix’s head, and Bix didnt really seem to mind this much at all.
Bam Bam got lazy when taking accusations and sat in the middle of us all and expected us to report eachother. It is much more difficult to lie about eachother when we are all there to defend ourselves, so we had to shoo him off and report in private. Homoses never would have made that mistake (this comment is for Homoses, who asked me to heckle sam Bam throughout the ceremony – he wants so badly to think he is missed).Our BLABs this week were Captain Weeney and Hotter Legs, but, as we all know, the passenger is always to blame so Hotter Legs drank for the two of them. Janette and I had to shoot the boot for our matching (almost) new shoes. IceBlue Balls had to drink for a whole variety of things. She and Wet and Sticky drank for their dogs, and they both drank for doing the R word (Bam Bam drank with them for using the R word while accusing them), she drank for her lack of coordination during Father Abraham, I dont even remember all she drank for. Suffice it to say that I had to drive us home. I was accused of passing the responsibility for the Grass Roots hash off onto Captain Weeney. He offered, I accepted – I dont see the problem. So he thought he was just offering to help… IceBlue Balls gave the now defunct Velvet Elvis to me for ripping it while it was in her possession. Wet and Sticky now has the dick clip and Christoff has the little man. Homoses drank for forgetting his hash mug in my car when he went off to Germany and I drank with him for forgetting to bring it (along with my mug). Homoses also drank for the horses ass even though it was not actually at the hash. Captain Weeney broke the gangrenous penis when trying to strap it to himself in preparation for giving it to (I think) Janette. Bruce and Skull sucked the toes of Erica and Becky for no reason that I could see other than that they wanted to suck beer off toes. Homoses brought with him from Germany three little bottles that translated as "panty attacker", "young balls", and "titty grabber" (where was his mind when he was at the liquor store?). These were drank by Bam Bam, Jason, and some other poor unfortunate soul that I forget. Rraaaaaaaallpphhh maybe? None of them seemed to enjoy the experience. Janette was named Vibrator for her shivering and Dana was almost named something that goes with vibrators, because he was also shivering. Nobody could think of anything appropriate that went with vibrators (batteries?) so his naming was put off until next week. I did my best during this hash to undo the damage done to the hashit by Heinous Wet Spot. He wore the hashit on one extremely wet hash in Pittsburgh and then at our very wet hash. When I got it, it was clean, fresh, and an utter disgrace to hashing. I remedied this by smearing pond scum all over it as we ran and Bam Bam did his part by giving me a big hug after a mud fight that by appearances he had lost. It was not looking good when I gave it to False Erection. I do hope he enjoys it!
After the On In we all went off the Schultzi’s for a post hash extravaganza. We wanted Homoses to feel welcomed home and wanted, so we all took off our cloths, jumped in the hot tub, and had ourselves a party. We ate, we drank, we massaged, and we watched Skull and vibrator streak up to the corner store and buy beer in the buff. A good time was had by all.
The next hash will be set by Vibrator and Dana and will be meeting at the Hangar theatre, I think.