IH3 Trail #668-The Hash House Guide to the Galaxy

The water towers stood on a slight rise just on the edge of Ithaca. Not remarkable water towers by any means, They were constructed with proportions which more or less exactly failed to please the eye.  It’s widely known that water towers do not possess any sort of perceptive abilities, but on this day if they had, they would soon be wishing they hadn’t.

This is the story of “The Hash House Guide to the Galaxy”, a wholly remarkable book. Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one, more popular than “Gisperts guide to Running while Intoxicated”, better selling than “Fifty-three more ways cause a harriete to slap you”  by Floss, and more controversial than Basters “Real runners have puke on their shoes, then drink out of them”.  “The Hash House Guide to the Galaxy” scores over the older, more pedestrian works in two important respects, first, it is slightly cheaper, and second it has the words “ON-ON” inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of… Ithaca, lies a small unregarded parking lot. Today this parking lot had several, very drunk hashers congregating on it.  “Park there, Head” Yelled a hasher as Head to Toe in Utero completely failed to park in the indicated space, effectively cutting off the entire area from any feasible emergency access. “That’s good there” Said another hasher.  Meanwhile a hasher named Crimes Against Huge Mammeries, recently afflicted with beeblebrox flu, sat in an adjacent car searching the glove box for something interesting to read while the other hashers  prepared for trial.  She came across a slightly worn book with “ON-ON” inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover. She promptly turned to a page and began to read…

…Any properly laid trail, is to be set with enough flour to easily choke a male Rhino.  Flour marks are to be laid in generally straight lines, marked boldly with mild heaps of flower, and close enough to one another that the next mark can be seen without the aid of a telescope or forensic analysis equipment.

Meanwhile the hashers attempted to follow trail, as it turns out the trail laid on this day consisted of enough flour to almost, but not quite, entirely fill a small thimble.  This four was carefully distributed across the flora, in one grain increments and primarily on surfaces drowned out in sunlight.  The Hashers boggled. “Did trail just suddenly change direction by 174.6 degrees?” said a hasher.  “There’s a trail?” said another.  “If there is a trail” said yet another hasher “I’m fairly certain it’s un-related to this white spray paint I’ve been following for a half mile”.  The hashers continued, meandering through-out the woods, ultimately giving up and simply following the hares.

Crimes continued reading the book she found in the glove compartment…

…It is absolutely vitally important that trail does not cross over private property, construction sites, or any location which could possibly interfere with the health and well-being of the general public…

“I just took a piss next to this under-construction water tower” bellowed a hasher.  “I just poured half my beer into the water tower” Said one of the hashers who had managed to subvert every system designed to prevent them getting to the top of the partially constructed water tower, from the top of the water tower.  Another hasher shook their head as they attempted to start the near-by bull dozer.  The hashers had found the first beer near, and preceded to regal the area with echoey songs, tales of beer and running, and a particularly high volume of urine.

“The Hash House Guide to the Galaxy” Describes a Beer Near as:

…The holiest of locations, a place for hashers to have a rest, drink some beer and socialize.  Designated by the marking BN, these locations are to be interesting, distinct from the rest of the trail, and most importantly, hidden from view of the general public…

The hashers approached the second water tower with hesitation, slowly coming to realize this was the second beer near.  Members of the general public walked through at regular intervals as the hashers rested and drank their beer.  “This water tower is interesting and so completely distinct from the last beer near” said a hasher.  “OOff… agghh” replied a hasher who was suddenly knocked over by a herd of 2 shit smelling dogs chasing a chipmunk.

Trial once again continued, if you could call it that, back to the first beer near (A totally distinct and interesting location). Shortly after, Crimes set down her book as hashers meandered back to where they had parked their cars. The on-after circle began to form, where there would soon be a naming…

Here’s what “The Hash House Guide to the Galaxy” has to say about naming’s:

The name given to a hasher, should be the single most well thought out process in all of hashing. Though this isn’t saying much, it is important that the name be unique, entertaining, and not at all silly.

“OMG Just Alex has a fake tattoo of a cocker spaniel on his chest, we should name him ‘cock-tit’ or something like that!” exclaimed MOW.  Just Alex frothed as the name bounced back and forth between many a hasher that recently left sobriety high and dry.  Ultimaty “Itty Bitty Cocker Titty” was named.  There was something like 42 other violations that were drank for, but soon the circle began to disperse.  “So long and thanks for all the beer” said MOW as he headed back to the car.

Today’s episode of “The Hash House Guide to the Galaxy” was written by Man-O-Whore

The Hares were played by Master Baster, and Itty Bitty Cocker TItty.

The Ithaca hashers were played by:

Butt Floss

Crimes Against Huge Mammories

Head To Toe In Utero

KickStand

Male Bait

Man-O-Whore

Nurse TaKillYa

Porcelain Goddess

Spike

And Just Guille

The out of town hashers were played by:

Four Legs

Just Luke

And Virgin Lexa

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“The Hash House guide to the Galaxy” Has a few things to say on the subject of towels.

A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing a hasher can have.  Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for protection from shiggy when hashing in Ithaca. You can lie it on the ground for a nice place to fornicate during a hash, you can use it to clean up after said fornication, If you are a harrierette, you can wrap it around your head to avoid the gaze of Butt Floss (A creature so half-minded it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you)