In this weeks hash we ran, we waded in streams, we climbed up and down big hills, we swam the reservoir, drank beer while treading water, slid down water falls, got very sunburned and ended it all with a lot of beer. It was everything a hash should be and, oh, so much more. Your hares Heinous Wet Spot and myself made sure there was never a dull moment to be had.
The hash gathered on a blistering afternoon at the home of Heinous Wet Spot. We milled about and ate the strawberries Hot Lips was kind enough to bring and made fun of Road Kill for his cellular phone. After an introduction to hashing by our religious advisor the hash dispersed in search of the trail. This is where we ran into our first problem. There were several false trails set across Heinous’ back yard…but his landlord mowed the lawn while we were setting the trail so our carefully laid hash marks were now just so much compost. The true trail being a bit hidden, the only obvious trail was the one coming back at the end of the hash. The whole hash started running the trail backwards while Heinous and I waved our arms, jumped up and down and tried to attract their attention. We finally recalled the hashers and set them off in the right direction down the road. Well, most of the hashers turned around and went to the right trail. Michael decided that as long as he was already headed towards the reservoir why not just slink off through the woods down to the reservoir and wait for us there.
Things went along fairly smoothly for, oh, about 2 blocks before the hash got lost again. On the whole, it was not an auspicious beginning and did not bode well for the hashes ability to navigate the entire trail. At an intersection there were false trails in all directions but one (that would be the true trail). In the right direction there was a good trail on one side of the road and a false trail on the other side of the road. Of course, lazy sunsticken IceBlue Balls only checked the false side of the road, then turned around and followed the rest of the hash down a different false trail. They ran well beyond the X and in-the distance (from where Heinous and I stood way back at the check point) we heard the distant call of ”RU?’, .8checking!. as if they thought they may find a trail down there somewhere. Nobody noticed that the trail they thought they were following looked remarkably like those yellow dashes in the middle of the road. Somebody finally noticed Heinous and I WAY up the hill waiting for them and turned the pack around. As they ran up the hill they may have noticed Hot Lips blowing his horn with all his might trying to attract them to the right trail.
Before we turned off 79 the hash was assaulted by water weapons wielded by Trojans progeny in a passing car. It really felt quite good on such a hot day. Moments later Toothy and Jushad drove by to a chorus of "the beer is here!" It adds such an element of surprise to have a hash beer who shows up late so regularly.
Down the road a ways the trail turned and ran way up a big hill then way down a big hill and ended in a parking lot a few yards from where the trail veered off. The hares and Dishonorable all shortcutted to the parking lot and thought about how happy we were not to be running up big hills. At th1 s point the trail split into macho and wimpy trails. A few people took the macho trail – mainly because the trail was clear and they found it easily. Along the wimpy side people meandered to the stream, saw and X, and just stopped. Like a heard of cows around a watering hole they stood, waiting to be led to the trail. I finally ran to the trail BESIDE the stream and they figured it out. Hashers seem to be a very heat sensitive group whose half minds are not at all active in the sun.
We ran back and forth through the stream, disturbing water snakes and naked people along the way. What those people didnt know when they chose to have a quiet day along the creek last SundayWe ran, swam, and waded our way to a hash rest below the reservoir where we hung out in the water and waited for less aquatically inclined hashers (or those trying to keep their shoes dry) to show up. Once we were all assembled the entire pack headed offin the one direction that led to an obvious dead end. It was clear all the way from the check point that that trail led strait to a shear cement wall holding up the reservoir. This was really not an impressive group. I stood at the check point pointing towards the trail, but this was a bit subtle. So I told someone to go up the trail and yell ON ON and this did the trick. The pack turned around from where they were huddled by the cement wall and climbed up the trail. Well, they started to climb up the trail. Then one person veered off the trail thinking they had found an easier way up and everyone followed this person. They had not found an easier way up, they had found a nettle ridden steep climb lacking any footholds – unlike the trail which was fairly easy to negotiate.
This trail led us to the reservoir where Michael, Toothy and Jushad were waiting to meet us and Shiner was basking in the sun watching us run by. Out in the middle of the reservoir was a floating check point anchored in place by a bag of beer. Eager to get at the beer, several people swam down and pulled up the bag. This was no great feat with several people helping, but once they all had a beer they let go of the bag and I went plummeting to the bottom of the reservoir holding on to a bag of rocks. I too would have let go, but that was MY dry bag down there and I wanted it back! So I managed to drag myself and the bag to the surface and burble "help!" before getting dragged back under. Did anyone move a muscle? No. All potential help was focused on drinking beer and getting to shore. I finally let go of the bag, hoping that the rope tied to the buoy was still in place and surfaced to find Bam Bam, Michael and Microprick all staring at me, holding beers. Heinous tried to come to the rescue of my bag, but instead he got his foot tangled in the rope and had to be unwound. It was Michael who saved the day (or at least my bag) and brought the bag emptied of rocks to the surface. In with the beer was a note telling the hash to swim to an orange flagged tree on shore.
We all swam off towards shore collecting empty beer cans and styrofoam bits along the way and waited for the aquatically challenged hashers to show up . Iceslue Balls was the only dog owner with a dog brave enough to face the reservoir (although she did nearly drown trying to help Darby across). Wet and Sticky with Bix, Maura with her dog and Toothy with both Dexter and Pixie all went around the lake with Road Kill who was still trying to protect his shoes.
Nobody was moving to quickly by this time, least of all the hares. Heinous and I tripped along in the back under the pretense of making sure everybody found the trail. Heinous was having such problems walking that when he turned around to say something to me he ran right into a tree with a loud Ugh! The other hashers werent faring much better. IceBlue Balls went careening down a hill and had to grab onto a tree to keep herself from falling over the cliff into the gorge. She swung for a while from the branch and found solid footing. Jushad created a new sport called log dodging. Log dodging is a two person activity – one person dislodges a log from above, and the other has to get out of the trajectory before they are impaled.
With no lost lives we made our way to potters falls where we got to annoy a lot of naked people and slide down a rocky water slide beside a waterfall. Getting to the falls was a navigational challenge for both Wet and Sticky and Maura, whose dogs did not like the steep ledges leading to deep water that they had to go through. They made it to the bottom of the falls as the rest of us were finishing with swimming and were ready to move on, once again missing a refreshing swim on a hot hash. Everyone knew exactly where we were heading by this time (having run the end of the hash at the beginning) and they didnt even look at the various false trails. This was a marked improvement from the beginning of the hash. They ran a strait shot from the falls to the ON IN. Everyone that is except Toothy who got lured down a long false and was heard in the distance yelling ON ON! while everyone else headed for the beer.
Waiting for us at the ON IN was Shiner, back from the reservoir, and False Erection who didnt want to hash – but didn’t want to miss the beer! At the ON IN we had the rare pleasure of seeing Dishonorable’s naked butt. Well, that isnt such a RARE pleasurebut we dont often get to see it in this state. Dishonorable was quite taken with the Pittsburgh tradition of making errant hashers sit on a bag of ice. He was so taken with this idea that I was harassed for weeks about the fate that was in store for Heinous and myself after this hash. Imagine his surprise when two ice bags were brought outbut he had to sit on them as penance for the worst live hash ever (hashers, like elephants, never forget). Icing must be every bit the punishment it seems because he dishonorably discharged blood onto the ice bag. He claimed the next day to have scabs. There’s a lovely image! This was quite a day for him because he also did an up up for his birthday. Which was worse – his naked, hairy butt on ice, or beer coming out his nose? He almost did a down down for forgetting the velvet Elvis but he has a store of "get out of jail free cards" or rather "make Hairy do a down down" cards. The price of Dishonorable returning my mug to me was 10 down down coupons entitling "the bearer" to bounce down downs to me. Now he has nine.
Also honored were Maura and Hot Lips for hash crashes I didn’t witness. Jushad had a birthday and did a side side with much greater success than Dishonorableis up up. I apparently have acquired Toothy’s phallic challenge because Bam Bam claims to have seen me break the phallic chalice. I don’t remember this and I am sure I am not challenged in this manner. Jeanette was Miraculously SAVED by the hash. She took of her ankle brace and she was HEALED. Could this be a new hash fund raiser? Maura has the Horses Ass for her dog that can’t swim and I have the Hashit for being my own wonderful self. . .and for giving Heinous a hard time for things which he deserved to be given a hard time about.
I believe the next hash will be set by Shiner and Spike somewhere downtown. I am sure Hot Lips will inform us when he knows.