The hash this week was truly a great hash. I have rarely said that about any hash other than my own, so it is quite a compliment. Of course, with a day like we had it was tough not to have a great hash. We began with Bam Bam giving the traditional opening words about the hash. It was his first test as our religious advisor and I think he did rather well even if he did forget to tell us that there are no rules. As he was finishing, our hares Toothy and Prickless drove up with Trojan, just barely missing a van full of kids as they parked. Prickless warned us all of the DIRE consequences of trampling the trillium during the hash. We were soon to find that most of the first part of the hash took us strait through a field of unavoidable trillium. It was a no win situation. The hares also told us about "good" arrows and "bad" arrows which were somehow different and would be found along the trail.
One of the minor miracles of this hash was that it was False Erection who led us down the correct path several times. As the rest of the hashers searched for trails in trillium free directions (since we were told by a hare to avoid trillium) it was False Erection who trod on the trillium and led the way. The fact that he was right so often (and we all know the sort of trails he chases down) is a good indication of the type of hash this was. We ran strait up a few sheer cliffs.
We emerged from the woods at one point to find a check point with options going up the road, down the road, or into a field with private property written every few feet. Nobody hesitated, of course the trail went through the private property. The hares were obviously worried when they were setting the trail in the field because they were so preoccupied with not getting caught that they forgot to set any hash marks. They had to keep giving us hints until somebody stumbled across a little smudge of white buried in the grass. This little smudge led us to more little smudges and eventually we were on the trail again. After we ran for a while we came to a hash rest where, traditionally, we stand around until the last hasher comes panting over the hill and we all take off. Usually we are waiting for the slower hashers but this time the last two hashers to appear were two of the fastest runners we have. Now, we know that JSHAD and Skull could keep up if they wanted to, so the only reason for them not to keep up is if they wanted a little time alone . . .
The hares managed to instill fear in a good portion of the hashers with this hash. The trail kept going down. Now, while it is pleasant to run down rather than up, the laws of physics tell us that in order to get back to where we started we were going to have to run up eventually. People who didn’t know where JSHAD lived were getting concerned at the elevation decrease. Those of us who did know what was going on enjoyed the run down the gorge and through the gorge. A few of us were enjoying the gorge so much that we wanted to really experience it. Not just wade through it, but immerse ourselves in it. A newcomer, Jody, was so enthusiastic that she threw herself down into the water. False Erection and I just gently slid into a little pothole that drenched us up to our waists.
Throughout the entire hash, whoever ran near Deb got to hear all about her weekend in California with the new man. It was a good weekend apparently. It was such a good weekend that both Bam Bam and Troy felt the need to undress after running near her for a while. Another risque incident on the hash. I wrote that just to write the word risque without the little thing over the "e" so it wouldn’t be delivered as risqué – which is what I am told happened when I wrote that Heinous was not quite risque. risque, risque, risque. Skull and Trojan were somewhat risque when they did the male bonding thing and pissed together in a stream. Prickless was quite risque when she did a little striptease for Black Hole when he gave her the hashit midway through the hash. Black Hole decided that since he wasn’t going to be around for the on in he would give the hashit away early for someone else to give away later. Only, he gave the shirt to Prickless who was also going to be running off before the on in. Ooops. Good plan, poor implementation.
After we were warned about good and bad arrows at the beginning of the hash we all watched out for them, thinking we may see some. We looked and we looked, but we didn’t see a single arrow until the very end of the hash when we all ignored it. That is, we ignored it until a little ways down the trail another arrow was spotted pointing us back where we came from. This stumped us for a short while, but some clever hasher ran PAST the arrow and found another hash mark. The path where we found the arrows was an obstacle course of little brambles, roots and various other treacherous ankle high vegetation (but no Trillium). Most people survived the course, but Road Kill had a spectacular fall after tripping over something – he went flying through the air before landing on his stomach and losing his glasses. He also had the hash crash at the informal hash last weekend. Maybe it is time for new prescription sunglasses?
After a glorious and beautiful run down the gorge we found ourselves at JSHAD’s home where the on in was held. Toothy and I both redeemed ourselves this week – I brought a keg from a party the night before and Toothy had the phallice chalice for a whole two weeks without breaking it. Toothy and I were reborn. It was an on in of new identities because Deb claimed to be a born again virgin – I would guess in reference to her past weekend.
For Bam Bam’s first hash as religious advisor we all gathered around him and reported eachother for crimes real and imaginary. Most of us reported a variety of incidents that happened at the hash – Jim just kept reporting different aspects of Debs love life. Only two people were not involved in this frenzy of lying about our friends. Spike and Guy just stood there quietly, being nice, pleasant people and acting totally inappropriate for the occasion. Pleasantness is punished at our hash!
Since Prickless ran off before the on in (and before her birthday side side which she WIBB do) Skull was nominated to drink for her in all down downs, both his and hers. He was quite stoic about this but was swaying by his eighth down down. Not that he didn’t do it, mind you. He drank for Prickless being a hare, for forcing all the hashers to tromp on trillium, for having a dog, and for himself short cutting, peeing, having a murky moment with JSHAD, and several other misdemeanors I can’t remember. Jim drank for being so concerned with Deb’s sex life and Deb drank with him for having a sex life worth talking about. The excessively athletic people were Deb, TroJan, Janette and Pam.
We initiated our new useless Grand Master – Trojan, and our new Religious Advisor – Bam Bam. Our grand master got off easy and just did a down down, but the religious advisor seemed to require something more. Remembering how bad Bam Bam is at doing up up’s this is what we made him do. He has not been practicing his up up’s since his birthday because his skills have not improved at all. We also had some namings this week. We finally officially named Crystal Iceblue Balls and Deb was dubbed Over Easy ( a stroke of brilliance on the part of a very drunk Skull). At the informal hash last week Chris was named Cocktail for his great love of being fed cocktails at parties. The horses ass was tragically broken this week which was clearly the fault of Toothy, as the truncator of long objects, despite the fact that it was in my care for the past two weeks. I guess she is still phallically challenged despite her claims otherwise. I gave the two halves of the award to JSHAD and False Erection because they kept trying to hide it from me. The hashit was with Prickless at a soccer game, but we had the toilet seat which Skull (acting as Prickless) gave to the newcomer Jody.
The next hash will be set by Prickless and myself out by six mile creek we will have an exact location later.