A Drinking Club with a Running Problem
A cold, snowy afternoon. Kelly Clarkson in the background. As two girls talked to two boys in cars. Surprisingly they were only an hour behind schedule as the sky grew darker and the snow began to fall lightly on the frozen ground. The clan now grew to seven as our virgin hare – McFeel Me, Floss in his lovely post Valentine’s Day attire, and Spike showed up. Baster and Bridesmaid and Just Dana and Just Maggie finally decided to get their lazy asses out of their warm cars and turn Kelly off the radio to join the others in the increasingly cold-February-in-Ithaca-weather. As they licked their lips in anticipation for beer, they slowly made their way out of the Cornell parking lot, and passed the basketball gym where Just Dana is sure the love of her life – number 20 – was playing basketball at that very moment. She sighed. Just Maggie laughed mockingly and told her to look for the pink trail marks.
“On On!” Baster yelled in the distance. And the hunt for beer began.
As the seven drinkers continued on their journey, much like the fellowship in quest for Frodo and Sam’s first private spot to consummate their love, they found themselves missing a fellow drunkard.
“Where’s Baster?” McFeelMe questioned with a furrowed brow.
“He’s probably just up ahead, that over achieving bastard,” replied Floss while trying to keep up with Phoenix.
But wait! They’re going the wrong way! Not up the hill, silly r*nners! You fell for the false trail! SUCKERS!
Finally, they picked up trail again, with Baster still missing. Off the path and into the shiggy, the smell of beer was in the air. But what’s this? The pack is down to five? Where the hell did the hare go? The five-some decided not to wait and decided they didn’t give a damn because they wanted their fucking beer already, and continued through the bramble toward the first beer near. Across a river (creek), and through the woods, to beer and Pringles we go!
Alas! Behold! More than beer and snackies, there was Baster! And then they saw it…
A cage. Big enough to fit a human (though probably not Floss), stood before they. Who gives a shit though – they wanted their BEER! So now there were six. Eating, drinking, and playing with sticks, the happy Hashers relaxed. Until fiiinnnaalllly McFeel Me decided he was going to stop waiting for Baster back at the supposed back check and come join them. Boy did he feel stupid to see them all drinking already. And if he didn’t, well he should have. Just as Baster was feeling so giddy and clever for finding trail and beer, he wacked himself in the neck with a log. Who knew wood gave hickeys?
With tummies full of beer and unhealthy, processed foods, they were off again. Through mud and dirt, up hills and down, through snow and ice, thorns and weeds, with found flip flops and drawn blood, more beer and nuts (and those nuts, too), past trail-marked road-kill, and empty country fields, the thirstily determined group continued on.
As they past the veterinary school, they knew they were getting close to On In. As some picked up their pace, others (*cough* Baster) played in steam grates, enjoying a warming breeze between his legs with poor Bridesmaid witnessing the disturbing spread-eagle display, their final beer and circle area was in sight.
As Down Downs were done, completely in a non sketchy way, underneath the stadium bleachers, Phoenix continued to have his fun while rummaging through trash. But before they split up, to go their separate ways, a threat was made to poor, innocent, and sweet J. Dana and J. Maggie.
“Write the rehash or you’re both going to GO TO HELL!!!” warned a totally serious Floss.
The two girls clung to each other in fright and violently blinked back tears, as Floss made them sign their names in blood promising they would do their first rehash together.
And so our story ends, with one rehash written and two souls saved.