A Drinking Club with a Running Problem
I arose Sunday morning amidst the stirrings of a sleep Camp Stinko, nestled deep in the foothills of central Pennsylvania. Brushing the sleep from the eyes, I stumbled from my tent and beheld the embers of the previous night’s fire, my sodden combat boots hanging from the flagpole to dry, several half-minds passed out around the camp… and promptly tripped over the pitcher of beer left outside my tent by some mysterious – but no doubt well-meaning half-mind. After a good stretch and a bend, a little hair-of-the-dog, a lazy fatboy trail, one incinerated easy chair (it wasn’t me, believe it or not), and some packing up and heartfelt goodbyes, the five intrepid IthaWanks laid their own trail back home to join the second hash of the weekend. TOFU, Cocktail Frank, Mouthful of Clam, the primeval Butt Floss and I piled into the caravan and headed (heh) off to the best place to be that day: Ithaca’s Cinco de Mayo!
We arrived in Washington Park to behold a motley crew of assembled wankers. Inspector Speculum and Butter Buns were there in cute semi-matching grey-and-black outfits. Always a Bridesmaid brought Just Torrey for her springtime re-introduction to the hash. Racine Rev came all the way from Dallas to join us for the festivities. Doris Dicktoria had the audacity to arrive in a r*ce shirt from that day. Porcelain Goddess was there in a shiny new black truck to match her outfit. Jiffy Lube rubbed her hands with glee, anticipating the trail that was to happen, giving out bandannas to mark the occasion. The wily and elusive Just Eric surprised us with a spur-of-the moment visit. Burpenstain and Hump Me Dump Me arrived to the delight of the crowd.
After a chalk talk for the out-of-towners, the pack set off searching the streets of downtown Ithaca! Trail was soon picked up heading southeast, zig-zagging towards Six Mile Creek in the southern part of town. Noted FRBs Bridesmaid, Doris, Burpenstain and …someone else… enthusiastically ferreted out false trails while the pack caught their breath. They soon picked up the hill going up towards Gun Hill. Despite fears of a heinous back-check, they continued on left, zagged by the police station, zigged up the hill, where we saw a Cinco-custom mark: Photo Op! At Castle Burpenstain! On we went back down to the Commons. There was some confusion, as the FRBs were starting to think wishfully of a beer stop at the Chanticleer or Moonshadows. Up and down they ran, alas no beer was to be had. Where was trail? Fortunately, the pack was much more organized, and trail was soon picked up down Tioga. Several of us stopped briefly to greet Just Mary and Just Brian, who were seen wandering about the Commons, surely in search of beer.
On and on they went through Fall Creek neighborhood, chatting amiably and catching up with the rest of the pack. By the time the over-eager front-runners had made it to Ithaca Falls, the pack was nowhere in sight. Burpenstain had the bright idea to do a quick impromptu BEER NEAR at the Fall Creek House, and a pitcher was produced, thanks to the quick hands of Always A Barmaid – er, Bridesmaid. After that wonderful refresher, the pack soon picked up trail, pausing momentarily by the Photo Op at Ithaca Falls, before continuing along Fall Creek and into the Wilderness Preserve by the tracks. On through mild shiggy and briars, they came out by the bridges and into the open field. Speculating as to a location, the FRBs lit across the soccer fields and soon found a My Little Pony pinata, suspended on one of the willows by the lake. Truly, a glorious sight!
J. Sue appeared as a mirage to the thirsty, almost hallucinating hashers, bringing emoluments of BEER, chips, salsa, BEER, and some special veggie-bean dip, ensuring that hashers headed home could propel themselves with the force of their own wind. (Seriously, it was waaaay yummy) As the harriers trickled in, beer was passed out and masticating ensued. Soon, the call was up to put the pony out of its misery. Butt Floss was called up first to smite the smiling, mocking creature. In one fell swoop, he managed to smack the thing clean off its mounting. Much hilarity ensued as Mouthful bravely scaled the tree to reattach it, naming it Flicka in the process.
Racine Rev, Goddess, and Hump Me Dump Me each took their turn at popping the pony, causing candy to spill forth from a hole near the horses’ groin. The last shot also caught the horsie’s nose. The beast was done. As a mad scramble for candy ensued, Cock Frank – in a display of his good taste in harriettes – made a move at Goddess, saying “I’m done grabbing candy, I just wanna grab.” As the beer was depleted, the pack got restless and was soon off again across the lawn.
Back they went, over the bridges, skirting the golf course, and towards the Farmer’s Market they went. The pack continued into south Fall Creek, heading pack towards Washington Park. Just as the two thirstiest FRBs got in, Jiffy Lube pulled up with the sacred nectar. Perfect timing! The pack all returned, and soon we were ensconced in the park, wondering vaguely if the constabulary would object to our egregious display of hash sacrament. At long last, Inspector Speculum and Racine Rev returned, and circle was underway, taking special care to modify songs so as to avoid corrupting the young’uns in the area.
Down-downs were issued as you might expect — Jiffy Lube for a wonderfully hilly, shiggy, and poorly-marked trail. Visitors Racine Rev, Burpy, and Hump Me Dump Me were welcomed from out of town. Barmaid – Bridesmaid, sorry! – Doris, Burpy and I drank for FRBing, along with Speculum and Rev for DFL. We welcomed back TOFU, J. Torrey, Speculum, and ButterBuns after being away so long. The traveling hashers were punished for traveling.
Most importantly, we took a special moment to commemorate Floss’ recent superannuation. A bottle of bubbly was produced, and his birthday up-up was marked by bubbles up his nose. Yummy! Another 50 years and Super Robot Butt Floss will be able to do a second! Woo hoo!
We look forward to trail on 5/18, hared by Butt Floss and your truly at Michigan Hollow State Forest. Details will be announced shortly. Hash hounds welcome.
On-On,
~Master Baster