IH3 Trail #746: Toothy’s Warm Farewell

Hounds: Master Baster + Cold Cocked

Hares: Toothy Lunker, Captain Smashballs, Country Cock, Fertilize Her, Ookie Cookie, Spike

​Bobbitting Bastards: Porcelain Goddess, Kickstand

It was a mild and balmy Ides of February that a few close friends gathered to send off not one, but two (!) of their own. The Ithaca kennel gathered at Pleasant Hovel to sup upon sweet-cakes and drink deeply of the deliciously warming beverages that had been prepared for the celebration — for it had been announced that Toothy Lunker was to make for the wild steppes of Colorado.

So it was that eight half-minds, all dressed like members of the Towel-ban prepared for a jihad on beer, were gathered for chalk talk outside the small snow fort. Baster strapped on the FRB pack, loaded with hound-diverting goodness, and delivered the opener:

“Welcome all — you’ve all been here before, so this should be quick. You’ll find on-ones and on-twos, you’ll see O’s and J’s, and maybe an X, and mostly fresh footprints to be your guide. Sing a song to give the hare a cranium-start, and then get on with it!”

With that, he bounded off down the blustery lane, leaving the pack to wonder what would be next. After a quick round of “Free Beer for all the Hashers,” Country Cock charged forward with the rest of the pack in tow, following the many footsteps of dog-walkers past. As they approached a deer trail crossing, the pack spied the first of several J-hooks. After enjoying some very fine Chocolate-and-Maraschino Liqueur, the assembled debated continuing into the field, or into the thick brambly shiggy that had become the old Experimental Apple Orchard that abuts the Pleasant Hovel neighborhood.

At this point it was CoCo who was seen trudging into the waist-high field-snow, and the pack unwisely followed him — giving the “true” hare an even wider margin.

Once true trail was determined, the pack set forth through the dense underbrush–negotiating grapevines, Hawthornes, apples, briars, and the occasional raspberry–all set in the joy of knee-deep snowy goodness.

After about 5 minutes of flailing about, a clearing was spotted up ahead–the pack had emerged on the edge of a field beset with oaks, a promontory giving them a clear view of the possibilities a-cranium, with the Plantations water-tower and Rt. 366 in the far distance, with the compost piles and horse pastures to the left, and fresh footprints following an open-field deer-trail to the right! (Also a J-hook with tasty cinnamon schnapps.)

So our intrepid gallivanters set forth, bravely surmounting the still-deep post-holes leading down the lane towards the old EC&N Railroad bed on True Trail–when where out of the blustery squalls was spotted the hare! The Hare!

The pack raced forth as fast as their tired legs could carry them, along the straightaway and out onto the service road by the compast heaps! (Judging from the 5-foot high snowdrifts and the stinging of the eyes, the wind was blowing at least as hard as a harriette on a weekend binge.) After a needless R6 in the middle of the road and a large snowpile, trail pointed back towards the fragrant-smelling service yard, with its attendant vultures, ravens, gulls, terns, and probably an eagle or two.

Fertilize Her happened upon an R5 and a recumbent hare, and together the two of them walked back through the brown slush to greet the rest of the pack, who were in hot pursuit of their long-awaited prize. And so they gathered to drink deeply of special Cidre and “Hot CoCo,” along with a premium selection of oat sodas, hard cider, Seagram’s Cherry Splash™, and a variety of biscuits and sweets most befitting the coldest, windiest trail befitting a send-off, over a re-hashing of trails past and memories lost to the ages. It was at this point that Toothy Lunker was presented with a new IH3 memento: a fur-lined pom-pom hat, decorated with two very special pins: a 4-H logo pin saying “Fourth,” and a hand signing the ASL letter ‘H’ with two spots on it — indicating that the owner is indeed a most Healthy, Happy, and Hearty Hash House Harrier!

It was during this pause in trail that we learned the news! News! It seems that Captain Smashballs will be taking a job as Engineer in Tennessee, and thus March the Second will be his last day in Ithaca, same as Toothy! A chorus of “hooray” and “boo!” greeted the news, and we redoubled our hydration as the winds picked up.

Once nourished again, the hares revealed that there were no plans beyond “get the pack to the beer.” In true Harrier form, the pack had no interest in retracing their steps, but instead decided to make like Jimi and roll their own trail! Having determined the approximate bearing for an A-A trail, they followed CoCo as he set out for the horse pastures, which lead to Pleasant Hovel after a fashion.

The horse pastures, for those of us who have yet to experience their majesty, sit on the gently-sloping western face of Turkey Hill, exposed to the afternoon sunlight and the vicious, unceasing gales that do not ever end. Though going was slow, the pack was treated to a magical visage of the blowing snow across the fields, caught in the afternoon’s mythical Golden Hour. All was right with the universe for that moment in time, when Toothy took a long look back at the town that has been hers since at least IH3 trail #200.

The pack returned to Pleasant Hovel to find PG and Kickstand, basking in the aftergl–er, the glow of the fireplace with a passel of ales to keep them company. Violations were shared amongst all present, happy to be back, celebrating the happy memories of time’s past and looking forward to new adventures yet to pass. Toothy and Smashy were given down-downs with good wishes, with an extra violation to him for once again hashing without proper attire — short cotton socks, of course — and so a small gift was given to Smashy, in the form of GOOD WOOL SOCKS, you daffy bastard!

…And you missed it all, you sodding lazy wankers!

~MB​