A Drinking Club with a Running Problem
Hounds:
Ookie Cookie
Porcelain Goddess
Master Baster
Tastes Like 10th Grade
Pack ‘N Play (formerly known as Just Michele)
Just Alexi
Shitty Vagina Salad
FertilizeHer
Spike
Country Cock
Cold Cocked
Hot Lips
InYourEndohhhh
Head to Toe In Utero
Kickstand
Flesh Flaps
Brown Hole Delivery
Just Prishon
Just Doug
Trail start time was moved up a half hour to accommodate the short day length, sh*tty weather, and certain wankers who were attending a Flaming Lips concert latter that evening at the aforementioned ivy league school. At 1:30pm, most harriers had arrived. At 1:69HST, all the hounds had arrived. While they waited for the arrival of the hares, bottles of Yeti porter and homemade cider (Thanks, Endo!) were passed around, PG pulled out a 30 pack of the BEST PREMIUM beer Milwaukee makes and cookies & Tasty shared out some eponymous brownie bites. A laboratory bottle of green fluid was handed around and only those who wished to feel their wombs dared to sample it. SVS agreed that he could, indeed, feel his uterus. The air temperature was typical of mid-November and when the rain/hail started falling, they tried to see how many half-minds they could fit into Kicky’s F*ck Bus. Brown Hole Delivery’s upper lip kept itself warm. The dogs looked longingly at them from outside in the mud.
The weather cleared briefly, the sun appeared and Floss came flying into the parking lot, only an hour late! The hash could not have cared less since the party was in full swing and they had discovered the tropical room in the main building was open and toasty. SVS led some wanks in a rousing game of hangman on the antiquated chalk board (Procedure? _A_ _ _EAR!) and then, (finally!) chalk talk.
Introductions were made, Virgin Brendon was instructed to use the buddy system, and new marks were explained – dick checks & labia checks? Too bad Floss couldn’t remember what labia look like. CC had his c*ck on the outside of his shorts for the whole trail, so he was ready for any dick check, any place, any time.
Right off the bat, the group got flossed four ways to Sunday (Sunday is a hashing day!). There was some very cool maple sap tubing crisscrossing through the forest that everyone ducked around and through that drained downhill into the sugar shack.The FRBs really got screwed sideways. Literally. There were two sections of trail where a false was laid uphill and parallel to true trail. They made it easy for the slower folks to shortcut right alongside them on the road. DFLs cheered and encouraged them as they cut through rocky stream beds and shiggy hills.
Those who were shortcutting bastards, however, should still be considered as hashing HARDER and NOT smarter because there was a full contingent of auto-hashers riding along in PG and Baster’s ‘fun-mobile’. Wild tales abound regarding these Grand Mattresses on Wheels. Endo was be-booted with a stress fracture from silly leaping onto concrete whilst wearing Vibrams, Co-GM Porcelain Goddess was cookied, other Co-GM Head was also cookied and The United Auto Twerker was earning her new name.
At the first BN, those giggling, re-dick-u-louse auto-hashers parked right in the middle of the road! PG whattsamatteryou?! A muggle car pulled up behind her on the single lane road. Head yelled, “COP!” and everyone simultaneously put their beer behind their back. Smooth. Realllll smooth. Not a cop, just some really, really lost civilians. CoCo was given the FRB award and he wore it well. Nothing will slow you down like a musty backpack with a 55lb rock in it. Multiflap Labatt squid hats were modeled by Just Doug and PG. Tasty’s virgin asked permission to pee (good boy!). After an exuberant couple of rounds of Jesus Can’t Go Hashing, Kicky suggested it was time to keep moving and everyone agreed.
Sometime around this point, Ookie Cookie broke trail for our amusement. He might need to lay off some of his namesake because Mr. Cookie sat down on a chain that stretched across a turn-around spot just off the main road and promptly found himself crashed-ass-down (This is why we don’t have nice things).
This trail was so epic – – This bunch of half-minds went up & down and up & down and up & down(sometimes repeatedly on the same hill) and up, up, uh, uh, oh God, oh, up, up, thighs are quaking, up, up, still? really? Just. A little. Longer. Oh oh oh OHHH. YESSSSSSSS —–> It’s good to be on top. Whoa. Tasty’s virgin fist-bumped her and told her she knows how to throw a party (Don’t worry, hares, she didn’t take ALL the credit). As cursing, sweating hounds returned from an R22, the fun mobile passed them on the road & they diverted off into the shiggy again. Ookie was clinging to the back of the vehicle.
2nd BN and what do ya know? The f-mobile was already there! Hashers were falling about, laughing their asses off at who-knows-what. No really, who knows what they were laughing at? Not them. Nope. Not a clue. Just Michelle came running up with a wild look in her eye and a shiver in her bones. As the weather started um, Weathering, this slutty group cuddled together in a giant group fondle to keep warm. This soon unwound into a very long human centipede while Tasty jumped around it yelling, “Feed her! Feed her!” and no one understood her reference. Ah, well. It was at this point that The Hare #1 decided to circumcise trail due to extreme weather and impending darkness. Floss cut off the 3rd BN and told all to follow the road back down to ON IN.
It was still quite a ways back to circle, even following the main road, but Tasty couldn’t figure out why she and Flesh Flaps weren’t seeing any other hashers. After a good long while, Spike caught up to them. “Where is everyone?” they asked. Apparently, there was an Ass-Off contest slowing down the fun mobile and refusing to get out of the way. CC, Baster and Fertilizer Her were pants down and slowly walking in front of the vehicle. Is this possibly when the Penis Tail-wagging incident occurred? The pissing off the back bumper incident? Blue Balls that made Harriettes scream? So many things happened!! It does seem that Just Michele picked this moment to do her best Miley Cyrus impersonation. Was there a foam finger involved? Where is that finger now? More importantly, where was it previously? History may forget Miley’s VMA performance but the hash will always remember what twerking is.
After removing muddy shoes and warming up in the tropical paradise of the main building, hashers circled up in the concrete floored banquet room and tried to figure out what the hell just happened. It came down to this; Virgin Brendon got his cherry popped, Just Gretchen got her first lay, Floss got slurpy sloppy seconds from Just Michele, The fun-mobile ate too many cookies, Baster was walking wounded with a shillelagh (until he lost it), Shitty Vagina Salad joined us as a transplant (Welcum!), Tasty may or may not remember who Fertilize Her is next time depending on what he’s wearing, Floss has a mouse cock, Endo’s nipples are hard and slippery, PG’s butt gets very red, Spike would like more rehashes, Head received ALL the FRB awards including; backpack with giant rock inside and ‘see-thru’ men’s underpants (how does one describe these one-of-a-kind shorts things?), Tasty was inaugurated as Hash Scribe (=D), Just Michele was named The United Auto Twerker (tuat!) for her booty shaking skills up against PG’s car and Just Michelle was named Pack ‘n Play for shenanigans that happened at the Halloweenie hash involving Tasty’s bra on CoCo and some tissues and fun times.
Weather be-damned, it was a Head held High, Cocks hung Low victorious return to the Arnot Forest.
On-On!