As Tastie’s “slave du’jour”…I offer you………
ReHash: The 1 Year Armstrong Doping Analversary
Hares:
Head to Toe In Utero
Brown Hole Delivery
Hounds:
Master Baster
Just Leland
Just Doug
Just Luci
Pack n Play
Tastes Like 10th Grade
Spike
It was a frosty kind of day on Sunday, January 19th when 7 die-hard hashers came out to play with 2 snow bunny hares. We met up at The Rhinehouse Bar at 1:69HST, which did not open for business until 3pm Nerd Standard Time. This became the theme of the day. What was supposed to be the celebration of the 1 year analversary of Lance Armstrong admitting that he doped during every Tour de France that he won turned into the ‘Closed Bar’ Hash. We huddled in the bar’s exterior fenced in smoking area to get out of the wind until everyone arrived. A barmaid came in for work and caught us there but she was totally cool about it and pretended she saw nothing.
Chalk talk in the parking lot and we were off… to a very slow start. Flour? Hello? All I see is snow… it was so cold out that the kool-aid was not coloring up. Wandering nearly a city block away through the bank parking lot we finally found some splots of unusual snow that we determined must be flour. The FRBs must have good eyes because the rest of the pack was going on faith in their calls of ONON. We didn’t see a damn thing but the hares were following so we kept going. A Song check on the corner of Route 13 and I can’t remember what we sang but I’m sure the civilians at the red light enjoyed it. We ran at a good clip (there were only 9 of us so that makes for a fast hash, especially when it’s cold out) and so we were not spread out very far. Spike and Just Leland found the first J hook check. Normally, only one person claims the FRB position, takes the two shots that are hidden nearby and runs back to the DFL and they both drink one. Instead, since they both found the shots, they each drank half of one and then waited, yes WAITED(!), for the DFLs to cum to them!! LAZIEST FRBs EVER. A down-down to them! Just Luci and Pack N Play enjoyed their half a shot quickly since we were at a busy city intersection and there were lots of muggles standing nearby and driving past.
Heading up Clinton St. past the cop shop we found a Fleur de Lis shaped mark that eventually led us up to S. Aurora St. This steep hill looked ripe for a back check and J. Leland and J. Doug were thrilled to find a R11 at the top. Baster had sprinted off in a totally different d’erection after making mysterious calls on his cell phone. Turns out, Itty Bitty Cocker Titty lived nearby and Baster was hoping to roust him out. No Itty Bitty joined us, unfortunately. However, in a stroke of good timing, Baster re-emerged from a side street just as we were cumming back down from the back check and joined us in discovering the 1st BN.
The beer near was placed at The Ale House on N. Aurora St. It’s a wonderful establishment with good food and great beer, large TV screens everywhere and a raucous atmosphere. Sadly for us, that is. It just so happened that the AFC Championship game was on and the entire bar/restaurant was PACKED. This was now the second time we were unable to obtain service. After using their facilities, we were forced to admit that we could not stay there and hopped two doors down to Viva Taqueria.
Now Viva, on the other hand, strives to be a “family” restaurant while at the same time has the best margaritas and the largest selection of tequila in town. Being that it was Sunday at 3pm-ish, there were indeed some folks there enjoying wholesome family time. Sam the Bartender was not pleased to see us. Head asked all the wrong questions —> “Are there any specials?” “Do you have pitchers?” “Is it Happy Hour?” These are questions Sammy hates! After a very rude attitude from Grumpy, we settled down on the bench seat and shared several pints of Flower Power and Corona. We discussed the qualities of IPA and our opinions on them, passed them around and made our judgements. Sam the Bartender tried to redeem himself to us by making friendly conversation when he realized that he knew Tasty, Baster and PnP. I’m not sure he’s forgiven yet, though. We cleaned up and only had a naughty conversation about blow jobs in front of the families as we were leaving, so they couldn’t complain about us. Take that, puritans!
Moving out, we headed down N. Aurora St. and found trail, somehow missing a back check much to the chagrin of our hares, and went straight up Buffalo St., found a tit check where ALL FIVE guys were waiting for the first harriette to show up. Boobs on Buffalo St. were provided by Tasty, thankyouverymuch. Hung a Louie onto Osmun Pl and found BN#2 at The Chapter House bar —-> which opens at 7pm on Sunday. Cockblock #3 for our Dedicated Drinkers.
But, WHAT?!? Who should our bleary eyes spy but Porcelain Goddess waiting for us in front of the closed bar!! SAVE US FROM THIRST GRAND MATTRESS! PG jumped in her vehicle and drove up to the corner of the parking lot above The Chappy where we were relieved to find that she had a 30 pack of Keystone in her trunk. YAAAAYYYYY. Our heroine! We stood around and heard great stories from Holidaze about friendly group showers and snickerdoodle-induced muteness. We regaled about Screw Year and the well-timed breakage of the hot tub right before it became F*ck Soup. And we planned upcumming debauchery at Stinko. Ugly Christmas sweaters were donned for extra warmth by Baster and Tasty that were found in the back of the car. Just Luci found the Million Dollar Beer. We finished our icy beverages and said good-bye to PG who was still a bit under the weather.
On our way back down the hill, we stopped to admire the nets under the Stewart Ave. bridge and followed trail down the cliffside path and onto Cascadilla Park Rd. Lo and Behold, another J hook check! The FRBs looked for the hidden shots…and looked…and looked…by now the whole group has caught up, including the hares. Um, we can’t find the shots, Head and Brownie. Head points and says, “Was there a little snowman right there?” No, we reply, but it does look like a plow came by and pushed the snow up into this mound. Immediately Just Doug, PnP, Just Luci and Tasty dive into the snow bank and start pawing frantically through it. No luck. Shotblocked! Damn! And Just Doug crashed and lost all the goodies in his pockets. We can’t catch a break on this hash! WTF! We cried foul but admired the view from the look-out on the cliff and utilized the ‘ladies room’ while Baster ‘held the door’. Good thing, too, because Brownie tried to bust right in.
Trotting down the slippery slope we enjoyed another Hash View and found ourselves at a 3-way check. Just Leland found trail, Tasty and Spike followed. When Spike turned around, however, no one was behind him. He ran back — no one was there. Hmmm. Just Leland and Tasty waited at a check that looked like a hot cross bun. A cross check? In front of the Unitarian Church? 3 rounds of ‘Jesus Can’t go Hashing?’ …OK! Baster led us in 3 verses of the song while muggles slowly started emerging from the homes surrounding the church to stare at us. A quick photo op and we were off, being careful on the way to not break our ankles, thanks to a well-placed, spray-painted sign on the sidewalk. Down Court St. to the former Public Libary we discovered a mark that had not been explained in Chalk Talk. What’s a PC? Pubic Check? Baster packed some snow on the front of his pants and we called it good.
Next stop: Chanticleer! Our 3rd BN was actually open -///—> And they had cheap beer! In pitchers! A friendly bartender! And drinking songs on the jukebox! All was right in the world and we were warm and happy. Just Doug explained the difference between using flour in making ethanol vs. using flowers. Spike showed off a very cool Ithaca Weekend T-shirt from the 275(?)th Hash. Spike learned about the Other Spike. After we were warmed and full of beer, we headed back out into the concrete jungle and down State St. toward ON-IN.
Many city blocks later with a detour through the parking lot of the Department of Social Services we found ourselves back at The Rhinehouse which was now blessedly open. And also packed with people. Once again, we were outside in the smoker’s area to conduct Circle, this time with a small audience of nicotine addicts. Songs were sung, down-downs drank, and the FRB backpack was added to —> a turtle soapdish/ashtray, a tiny wooden hammer (to help you get hammered, of course) and a Safety (3rd) Helmet for the hash crash prone. And of course, the giant rock that always lives inside. Baster sang the wrong song for Cums-Latelies and didn’t realize it was a song we had just sung for a different infraction. Ha. Silly RA! Tech on Trail, R*cism with porta potty stop during a measly 5K, and the piece de resistance —-> A Virgin Bobbit! This young man was watching us intently as we proceeded with our shenanigans and finally worked his way into the conversation. Josh loved us. After several questions, we decided he was not a evildoer and we welcummed him in with open legs, I mean arms. We got him a beer, sang him ‘Meet the Hashers’ and explained who we are and what we’re all about. He brought us a liter bottle of Triple Bock that he had snuck into the bar from Wegmans and shared it around with us. He’s playing in a band on Saturday (drummer) at The Nines and said if we came early, he’d get us in for free. I told him, “I like to cum early and often.” He offered to give us the other liter bottle of beer he had in his backpack but we declined his overly-generous offer with thanks, finished up circle and headed inside to warm up and act like ‘regular folks’. After a few more pitchers and reconsidering Virgin Josh’s offer, Just Luci and Tasty tried to convince Pack N Play to go find him in the crowd and offer him a BJ for the good beer he had. She declined. Party pooper.
Over all, we came in with a winning score of 6-4 thanks to a change of venue at the last minute and a power play by Porcelain Goddess. Here’s the break down;
NO BEER/SHOTS
Pre-Lube@Rhinehouse
BN1@Alehouse
BN2@ChapterHouse
StolenJCheck
YES BEER/SHOTS
ChalkTalk@ParkingLot
Venuechange@Viva
PowerPlaybyPG
FoundJCheck
BN3@Chanticleer
Circle@Rhinehouse
So the moral of the story is, despite incredible odds, Harriers who dope up always win (by finding beer and having fun doing it) and are often rewarded with a heavy trophy for being first.
On-LiverStrong-On!
Tastes Like 10th Grade