A Drinking Club with a Running Problem
Some hashes aren’t worth remembering, much less re-hashing.
The Halloween(ie) Hangover hash was definitely not one of those. Though my memory of the hash is somewhat spotty (probably because the hash included GOOD beer instead of the typical swill), I remember that it was one of my favorite hashes of the year so far.
In attendance:
Spike
Country Cock
Cough n’ Get Off (now re-named!)
Dong of the Dead
InYourEndo
Spermholio
Wowmomwow (Bobbitt)
Master Baster (Hare)
Porcelain Goddess (Co-Hare)
Staffy Puller (random over-achiever)
Hungover from our escapades the night before, Baster and I loaded the remainder of the keg into the car and headed to the start location on Freese Road. We arrived to find Cough n’ Get Off and Spermholio waiting already. As others arrived, we cracked open the warm thermos of Winter Warmer and began drinking.
Interlude One–
Good beer on trail brings out the goofy in everyone. Before trail started, I learned that:
1. The hash is comprised of an equal part brown eyed, blue eyed, and green eyed folk.
2. Babies poop in all different colors, but there’s such a thing as Baby Sh*t Yellow.
A decent amount of shiggy awaited us as trail began not along the road, but up and into the forest. In true hash fashion, it took us about 30 minutes to go 0.3 miles and my bare legs took the brunt of the action. We exited the forest only to go back in, though Donger and I decided a shortcut was in order! We arrived at the BN by the bridge just as Endo started b*tching that there wasn’t any beer on trail.
Interlude Two–
1. CC may need to brush up on his parenting skills.
2. Donger is a documentary lover.
3. Dr. Bronner was a weird f*ck but his soap is good.
4. Boys will make anything into a game.
5. Skipping rocks is harder to do than it looks.
6. Crackers contain crack. That’s why they’re called ‘crackers’.
From the bridge at Flat Rock, we wandered into the Plantations..
Interlude Three–
1. Cough n’ Get Off would be a great dominatrix.
2. If you find a solitary M&M on a leaf, it’s probably been left there by an abusive parent.
3. Spermholio had never been to the Bell Overlook.
4. Donger knows about random artists that work with natural objects (though probably she just watched another documentary).
Out of the Plantations and onto Cornell property. After nearly being run over on 366, we headed toward Game Farm.
Interlude Four–
1. If you don’t provide beer at 0.5 mile intervals, Endo will be begin to complain.
2. Pheasants are really stupid birds who will drown if they look up while it’s raining.
3. It’s good to get a tetanus shot before hashing because metal fences will be clumbed (past tense of climb).
From soybean fields, we traveled into a junkyard.
Interlude Five–
1. Leave boys alone with a pack of cigarettes and someone will light the whole thing on fire.
2. A circle jerk is NOT actually men grabbing each other’s penises and jerking off.
3. The last person that jacks off in a circle jerk GETS to eat the cookie placed in the middle that everyone has cum on. This is called Ookie Cookie. I wish I didn’t know this.
4. Spike knows how to open a beer bottle on an old Derby Car.
5. It’s a good idea to get a tetanus shot before hashing because you may wind up in a junkyard full of rusty pieces of metal and someone may start to throw them at you and eventually it will turn into a game akin to Ring Toss.
6. Old hubcaps make for good skeet shooting.
Back to the cars to find Wowie and Blind Jack (that’s her dog) waiting for us. She’d already broken into the hares’ car and helped herself to the keg. Circle went something like this:
Interlude Six–
1. Sometimes dogs look like pigs. Sometimes pigs look like dogs.
2. Endo is a half-mind who put his car in a ditch on the way up here. He drank. Or did he drink for being a comes-lately? Probably CC drank with him because we hadn’t seen his *ss for a while either.
3. Wowie was a Bobbitt.
4. Baster like to wear new shoes to hashes just so that he can drink out of them. We had to convince him to cut the tag off first.
5. When one hare drinks, all hares drink.
6. CC made up a good song about his little beer. We’ll let him sing it for you next time.
7. Cough n’ Get Off can’t hold his drink. Ask Donger about her soiled carpet.
8. If you stop b*tching long enough, you just might get renamed. Cough n’ Get Off will now forever be known as Ookie Cookie, and he will like it, and he will quit his b*tching.
I’m pretty sure there were many more accusations, but my half-mind can’t remember them. I had such a fun time with everyone and learned so much along the way that I didn’t want it to end. But then we were drunk and cold and so everyone left. Then I cried.
I can’t wait to do again. And again. And again.
On-sometimes the best hashes are the ones that I almost don’t attend,
Peeg