IH3 Trail #480

Subject: Spring has sprung – Rehash #480

Spring is that magical time of year when trees bud, flowers start to bloom, and girls on campus wear less clothing. It is also when virgins, visitors, and cums latelys hash.

I recognized this immediately upon arriving on the side of Trevor road in the Danby State Forest for the start of yesterday’s hash. There were many hashers present, about a third whom I had never seen at a hash. Virgins Just Roger, Just Stephanie, and Just Kenny graced us with their presence, along with born again virgin Just Jeffrey (he hashed a handful of times several years ago). McCavity, of Albany’s Havle Mein Hash, had to be in the Ithaca area so he showed up as well. Also there, were our hares: JuShUAD and Extra Testicle. Pippi was present along with his dog Arlo, who was the only dog there… WTF? How can we have a hash with so many hashers and only one dog? I didn’t even have to dodge doggy rump while I ran… I (Lord Bürpenstain), Dances With Head, Pussy Pong, Liquor Harder, Road Kill, Women There, Tequila Bill, Staffy Puller, Country Cock, JuShUAD’s brother (sorry, I didn’t catch your name), and Harry Condom Jr. all came. Why didn’t you? (If you were there, and I didn’t mention you, you should make a bigger ass of yourself next time, and as of now, you were not there yesterday (see the end of this rehash)).

Evidence of how the day’s trail would be was readily available to all at the start of the chalk talk. ET began explaining hashing to the virgins WITHOUT FLOUR! Fortunately, McCavity had some flour in his trunk and we were able to have a proper chalk talk after all. But even with ample flower ET experienced difficulties, trying to turn one mark into another in an attempt to save flour, I assume. Turning X’s into T’s, Psi’s into Psi’s with a cross on one of the arms… I still don’t know what that mark was… I think it confused us all, or at least all of us who had been properly lubricated with beer.

Anywho… The Hares told us to check it out, and we did. Eventually trail was found going up the hill on the road. Up, up, up we went… A check here, a Y there… True trail stayed on the road though. Until some FRB’s blew through a check and found an X on the road. Confused, they went back, and found the check on the road, marked in such a thin line of flower, that missing it was understandable. Into the woods we went, when what did I hear? BEER NEAR! Beer in the first 15 minutes of trail, nice… But there was a problem. We couldn’t find the beer. We looked high and low for several minutes, but not low enough… We didn’t find the beer until our sweeping hares came into the check to point out that the beer was at the bottom of the small muddy creek right next to the trail, not more than 10 feet from the flower. I have never cleaned a beer so thoroughly… Once I was satisfied that my beer was clean, I drank, as did many others. Beers were shared, as the hash turnout was high… Several hashers exercised their observational skills at this rest, noting among other things that many hashers burp, but Bürpenstain burps a lot, and with gusto, and that Pippi was sporting a cool new hat that his mom (I think) made for him…

Off we went again, down the hill this time. Something I have observed in my trail running experience is that there are two types of down hill trail runners, slow and controlled being one, and completely lacking fear being the other. McCavity, Pippi Schlongstocking, Just Jeffrey, JuShUADs brother, Country Cock, and I are all in the later category. As we went down the hill on the Finger Lakes Trail we barely had to slow down for checks and our little FRB pack became more and more separated from the main pack of (slightly) more sane hashers. The insane downhill posse did slow momentarily to note that a plastic glove left in the middle of the trail had its middle digit extended. It only took about 15 more minutes for this FRB pack to find the next beer near. This beer near came with a big ole sack of nuts; the nuts were rather small, but the sack was huge, most nut sacks can only hold 2 nuts (or 3 in the case of one of our hares), but this sack held a hundred nuts easily. We drank and munched nuts. As the pack came strolling in, there was talk of a short cut having been used. This was news to those of us who had been enjoying beer and nuts for several minutes by this point. According to ET there was an X in between two marks that were about 20 feet apart, and the whole FRB pack had run right over it without seeing it. He seemed to think that 6 hashers failing to see a mark indicates a problem with the hashers, I think it is more likely a problem with the mark, but I digress… I think it was at this time that JuShUAD admitted to setting a lot more trail than we were going to be seeing that day, having set a lot of the trail the previous evening, and then deciding that the trail was too long. Thankful to be drinking beer rather than running to Owego the hash was happy, but then the beer was gone and the hash went seeking more of that cheap intoxicant. Through the woods and out onto a dirt road. True trail goes up, damn it… up… up… On-In -> Alright, more beer! But this beer was not to be had for what felt like a couple more miles of running to get back to the start. On the way up the hill going to the On-In Pippi and I noted that the line of hashers behind us was long, drawn out, and somewhat picturesque. So what could we have done, besides expose our behinds to all the hashers behind us… And we did… Back at the cars we waited for everyone to get back and then caravanned over to JuShUADs place for the circle, a bon fire, and some grilled chicken prepared by Liquor Harder (mmmm… tasty!). But before we drove over, the Hash split into 2 separate caravans as Liquor Harder warned that she had "bottomed out" on the way over, so those who have crappy cars or large ground clearance went one way, and everyone else the other…

Down-downs commenced. There were many. Some which stand out in my half mind follow:

ET and JuShUAD drank for setting the days trail.

And then they drank again for leaving their hats on in the circle…

Virgins drank.

BLEAB (Pippi) and BLABS (Tequila and Staffy Puller) drank

Down-Downs in absentia were handed out to Capt. Slimy and Rowdy Bush, who have not yet written rehashes for the last two hashes (when you read this, you should go find some cheap ass beer, and stand in the middle of a circle (perhaps of stuffed animals), and drink it).

McCavity spared Pippi, CC and I from our usual FRB punishment. Staffy, TB and PP joined him for DFLing

Many hashers including Liquor Harder and yours truly drank for competing in the preceding week.

JuShUAD and his bro drank for an incestuous murky moment, which apparently involved penile comparison.

There was a call for hash crash down-downs, but it seems nobody crashed, so Liquor Harder had to drink for "bottoming out", and she was joined by myself and Pippi who ran with our bottoms out.

Sometime around here the circle devolved into utter chaos, and I was buzzed enough to stop remembering much, except that DWH got ET’s third ball and I got the Bobbit for cutting off part of the trail. I also remember that I didn’t get a side-side even though I am now a year older than I was at the last hash I had attended.

The one question that remains in my mind about that is: if I only cut part of it off, am I the bobbit or the mohel?

Following the circle there was much sloshilizing, some frisbee throwing, brief nudity, frisbee breaking, playing with fire… You know, hash stuff…

Lastly, since it is my solemn duty at the writer of this rehash to record for all the history of this hash, and what I say is true, regardless of what actually happened… We all circumcised the trail, since JuShUAD set much trail which went unrun by all. I will, however, accept the award for having committed this offence not due to my own guilt, but because by the time it occurred to me that I have this power, I already had the award in the back of my car.

On-on, Bürpenstain